


Shooting stars

by MagicMiss



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best friends trying their best to help, Cheating, F/M, Grisha and Carla aren’t tho, I swear it’s not as bad as it sounds, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Jean’s mother being sweet, Marco being a petty bitch and regretting it a lot, Marrying a rebound, Mikasa’s family still dead, Modern AU, References to Depression, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, actual depression tbh, falling in love again and again, jean is a good liar, lot of chapters but it’s just some are very short and some longer, mention of paternal abuse, there is marriage, they love each other but it’s too complex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:47:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 49
Words: 22,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24859381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicMiss/pseuds/MagicMiss
Summary: She had a bitter laugh and added, “A fucking Icarus story right there, lads and gents, and I don’t want it to happen ever again.”There can be as much love as you want, it won't help when you fucked up shits so bad that people say it's not your fault but their for letting you near them.(Edit : If you came thanks to the fanarts on twt or insta don't hesiate to tell me in the comments ehe)
Relationships: Marco Bott & Jean Kirstein, Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein, Sasha Blouse/Nicolo, as ultimate bff
Comments: 7
Kudos: 19





	1. Love struck at first sight

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter length might vary a LOT not gonna lie. Also, that story is a shitshow I mostly wrote under the influence of booze but I like the vibe of perpetual anguish and angst there is.... :^)

When they met for the first time Jean immediately knew he wanted to live with her until his last days. They were only fifteen but she was the most beautiful woman he ever gazed upon ! He awkwardly walked across the classroom after class ended, and muttered a weak “You have beautiful hair...’’

“What ?’’

She looked at the tall and lean guy in front her, he was red from ears to ears and obviously panicking. Mikasa barely knew the guy, just that he was loud and arrogant so what could he want from her ?

“Uh- You, you have beautiful hairs.’’ He repeated a little louder, his cheeks burning. ‘’And you’re really pretty too.’’ 

She stood there for what seemed like years to him before she answered with a simple thank you and left without another single words, leaving the poor boy deeply heartbroken. 

After that pitiful interaction Jean decided life was shit and that he should kill himself. For weeks they didn’t talk, she wasn’t even looking at him when he was doing presentations ! His best friend, Marco Bott, tried to cheer him up but what could he do, anyways ? It was weeks later than Jean had a new opportunity to talk to her. 

‘’Jean Kirschtein, Mikasa Ackerman,’’ Jean’s heart rate accelerated, ‘’you’re in the same group.’’ 

He immediately looked at her, maybe she was smiling, only to see the girl pout. ‘ _ Ouch _ .’ He thought. 

‘’Hi...’’ He said, his voice trembling, when she arrived with her stuffs at his table. ‘’So, uh, we’re together i guess.’’

‘’Yeah. Do you have an idea for a project ?’’

He winced to the coldness in her tone. ‘’I thought of gothic architecture ? Maybe a diaporama ?’’

And as she had no other idea, they rolled with it. For the next hour they only talked about architecture and french cathedrals, up until Marco arrived and asked for an eraser... 

Jean thought he wanted his death and hesitated to show off in front of his crush his custom lewd Pikachu eraser Connie offered him as joke at a Comic-Con but had to oblige. Marco only realized his mistake after the bad deed was done, he couldn’t just back off like that ! They both hoped Mikasa would not look at the deeply incriminating object.

‘’Is that Pikachu sucking Ash’s dick or am I crazy ?’’

Marco and Jean stopped breathing. 

‘‘It’s uh- A joke.’’ He weakly explained, visibly uncomfortable. Marco left, the eraser in hand, already cursing himself out for definitely fucking things over for his best friend. “It’s from an artist I like so Connie thought it was funny to offer me this... and it’s kinda funny so...’’ Her eyes were locked on him, her face unreadable. ‘’So I kept it...’’

‘’It’s by BixxDixx on Tumblr, isn’t ? I love too their artworks.’’ She blushed before adding, ‘’I even commissioned a daredevil fanart once.’’

‘’You like Daredevil !? It’s one of my favorite hero ever ‘’

And then, they spent the second last hour talking only about their favorites TV shows and why Community totally deserve a movie. Mikasa even found herself to think that this boy was not so weird after all, just a bit awkward but very nice ! 

They exchanged phones numbers at the end of the class, for the project initially but they ended up texting for weeks about everything but the project. 

He learnt she was very good at using memes, practiced four different martial arts and yet still kept grades above B+ as she didn’t wanted to make her adoptive parents worried. 

She learnt he had a very self-deprecating gen’ Z humour but liked it, wished he could make a living out of his drawings later and be a New York City artist so he could win money and support his single mother. 

She found him caring under his sassy over-confident mask and started to like him a lot and hoped she was able to pass her growing affection through her texts, which sadly consisted of sending memes and funny videos on instagram with no caption at four am in the morning and reprimanding him for responding in the minute. 

-You should be sleeping ! It’s school night !

-I was drawing !!!

-Ure not sleeping either tho

(Read ; 4.36am)


	2. Scared of the No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime Jean’s sweet to his mother.

After the final presentation, they had an A, Jean was a little scared she might never talk to him again, just like before... She could’ve just been nice and cool to smooth things over for the work. For hours he hesitated to send her a text message, she would probably not answer and as he cursed himself his mom came by, asking what was going on.

“And what if she hates me ?”

“Well, she saw your obscene eraser and didn’t run away so I guess she is as weird as you.” Jean cracked up a small smile. “I think you should just ask her on a date. Maybe she will say no,” he winced, “but if what you told me is true I think she likes you too.”

“Yeah but like ? What if she don’t ?” Tears rose up, “What if she thinks I’m like dad ? I mea-“

His mom immediately hugged him tight, holding his head between her hands. “You’ll never be like him. You’re a good person. You’re nice and you care and sometime you’re a sly little caustic fox but you have a gentle heart, Jeanbo...”

He rubbed away his tears and pushed her away, the face red. “I’m not Jeanbo.”

“Sure, sugar.” Her son was a lovely smart boy but still, what a proud piece of sass. “I like her, she’s serious and very pretty. When she came to work there she was so very polite. She’s not Jewish but I’m sure-“

“Argh. I don’t care about that, mom !” His mother rolled her eyes up. “So you really think I should ask her ?”

“If she says no I’ll buy you that new video game you always speak of.” She chuckled. 

After he asked her on a date, she responded under a minute with a simple and short yes, making Jean jumps all around the house in joy and his mother’s wallet sight in relief. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw :’)


	3. Sunset

For years they dated, Eren had been a bitch about it at first but quickly let it go. Making a fuss about it was actually very tiring and Mikasa kicking his butt multiple times wasn’t something he was fond of.

They discovered themselves together, they enjoyed themselves together and as they grew up they only could fall in love even more... On a small road trip Jean organized with his old tiny European car for their third year birthday, he told her ; “I never want to leave you.’’ 

“I’ll never leave you.’’ He put his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him and put his chin on her shoulder. “I love you so much...’’ She added.

“I love you so much too, angel.’’ 

The sunset was beautiful from the cliff they were standing on. 


	4. Goodbyes and dealing with them

They were twenty when everything exploded. ‘’I have to go to Japan.’’ Mikasa uttered, pain in her voice. “My grandmother is very sick and as her last living family I have to go see and take care of her.’’

Jean softly smiled, “I’ll help you pack your stuffs if you want. I know how much family means to you.’’

She took off for Japan, non without lot of tears and heart wrenching goodbyes, and for the first months everything was fine. Sure it was hard to make it working all the time and fights were happening more and more often but the love was still there. 

“Mikasa, I can present to you very correct men if you want.’’ Once said her grandmother from her rolling-chair after a particular harsh fight. Jean was getting more and more irritable about anything and, to be fair, Mikasa do was getting more and more distant. She disliked talking through skype, it was so robotic and cold it made her uncomfortable. The woman rolled her eyes but didn’t add anything. 

‘‘It’s been seven months now, Mikasa...’’ He said one day, the voice weak. “I miss you terribly.’’ 

“I know, I miss you too but I can’t leave now. I have such a demanding job here, and Grandma is not getting better...’’

He had the saddest look she ever saw on him. “It’s so difficult. I wish you were there.’’ 

“How’s college for ya’ ?’’ She asked softly, tears coming up. “Sasha told me you’re acing all the tests ?’’

“Yeah... I’m head of the list for the valedictorian’s position...’’ She heard his voice broke down and her heart shattered. “I- uh... met new friends too ? Marco hold this amazing party yesterday, I’m still recovering the hangover ahah, and it was fun.’’

“Oh ? Are they nice ?’’ She wished she could come back home, everything was so different there and not to speak about the racism against her some Japanese have... Apparently being half-Japanese was worst than not being Japanese. 

“Yeah... I guess. There just that girl who talked to me non-stop, it was weird.’’ She tilted. ‘’But Marco swear she’s gay so it’s alright. I guess.’’ He shrugged it off, though, Mikasa was furious. 

Not against him, nor against that poor gay girl but against herself for imagining a hot second he could have cheated on her. ‘’ _ It wouldn’t be surprising though. It’s been seven months since we did it... _ ’’ A tiny voice in her head muttered.

’’Anyways babe, I have to go...’’

“Where ?’’ She timidly asked, her head already imagining him and another girl together in their bed.  _ His _ bed.

“Uh, to sleep duh ?’’ He looked at his watch, a beautiful gift his mother offered to him when he got eighteen. She could tell he tried to hide his reaction but he couldn’t make disappear that frown of utter weariness. “It’s four a.m. I have classes today at seven.’’

“Oh shit, sorry !!’’

“It’s- it’s fine.’’ Mikasa could tell it definitely didn’t looked fine. “Just... bye and good day to you. Love ya.’’

She didn’t even had the time to answer he had already disconnected. 


	5. Are you on crack ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s getting hard.

Jean had drunk three energy drinks, and lowkey considered doing coke, to bare the day. It was less than usual but still... He loved Mikasa, from the bottom of his heart and no matter the distance, but things were getting so hard and exhausting. He felt like he was doing all the sacrifices there. 

Barely concentrating on the class, he scribbled small doodles all over his notebook, which was empty from any notes anyways.

“Hey, cutie pie.’’ Cut a voice, he turned over to see Marco’s gay friend sitting beside him. “The place’s free ?’’

She was already sitting but whatever. 

“Yeah, do you.’’ 

She took out her notebook and pen but immediately turned over him, and started small talking. If he wasn’t that tired he would not have minded, she do was kinda funny and a bit quirky, but he had the worst night ever. “Can we...’’ He said, rubbing his hand against his face to try to stay awake. ‘’Can we talk another time ? I’m so tired right now.’’

She stayed silent and turned over to the teacher’s presentation. They were in a immense two story amphitheater but barely thirty students were presents today. 

“What ? Busy night with your girlfriend ?’’ She fidgeted her pen.

‘’Ah, I wish.’’ He fall back into his chair, a bitter look on his face. “She’s in Japan and we just talked for hours until four am.’’

She winced in compassion then added, with the calmest tone ; “If it were me, I’d dump her.’’ He closed his eyes in disbelief and gave her a perplexed look. “I mean, I had a long distance relationship once,’’ she shrugged still looking toward the professor, “It always end up bad. You can’t make that kind of relationship work, especially if only one is making the sacrifices.’’

He crossed his arms against his chest and didn’t add anything. 

“Who that’s girl ?” Jean asked to Marco on their way back home, they were roommates to save up money. “The one always talking to me ?”

“It’s Maria.” 

“Well, I know that. It’s her name. I mean, what’s her deal ?”

“She’s just like that, I guess,” he paused hesitating, “She’s nice, isn’t ?”

“Yeah I guess so. She’s totally unlike Mikasa, always saying her thoughts like she got no filter.’’ 

‘’Would it be a bad thing, tho’ ?’’ 

“What ?” Jean started to feel like a trap was closing on him but he couldn’t get why or how. “To _date_ her ?”

“Yeah.”

Both men stayed silent a long moment, only the wind battling against the trees’ leafs and the dogs barking up at the few cars passing by the campus was proof that this moment was real. Finally, Jean broke silence ; “If I wasn’t already dating Mikasa maybe I’d go for it.” Marco was satisfied of that answer. “But she’s gay so whatever, it doesn’t matter.”

“She isn’t tho’.” Jean passed his hands through his hairs and rubbed his face, done with life. “Maybe I lied.”

“What the fuck Marco ? Are you on crack or what !?” 

“Eh !!” Marco raised his arms to the sky, as if he was calling God himself for some reasons. Jean thought  he should be the one asking for help right now. “I’m just sad to see you make all the efforts and exhausting yourself for your goddamn high school sweetheart.”

“You _definitely_ took crack this morning instead of cereals.” Groaned Jean, pissed. “I do whatever I want and you better stop doing what you’re doing.”

“You’re the one on crack if you think you can keep up doing three hours night of sleep for a girl who wouldn’t do the same for you. Your grades are falling down and you’re telling  me to get my shit together ?? Bitch, you look like a damned zombie.”

“My grades are fine, I just hadn’t the time to study that day-“ He turned toward his friend, and pushed him to make him stop walking.

“Eh !!”

“-And you are not my mom for fuck’s sake ! You’re my friend ! You have to support me not to make weird ass thing like that in my back because you think I’m wrong !! That’s fucked up man !!”

“I just thought...”

“Well stop thinking then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marco being the Pure Cinnamon Roll was the worst thing to came out of the fandom. Under that roof we stan a Marco having Bastard Energy and nothing else.


	6. No energy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sentence long chapter

One call missing, from  _ Babe _ . 

He took a long breath, threw the phone on his bed and let himself fall head first on the pillow. He didn’t had the energy to talk to her right now.


	7. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

“Hey, you better today ?” Asked the girl the next day as she sat down next to him. “At least you don’t look like a crackhead as usual, ahah.”

“I’m in a relationship. Also, I know what you two fuckers did and I’m against it.” Retorted Jean, sour. He was still furious from what happened yesterday. Marco had no rights to do that kind of shit.

“Hey, fuck you too, idiot !” She frowned, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about !”

“Oh yeah ?” He angrily whispered, realizing screaming would for sure make him be thrown out of the class and his grades are not high enough to hold that kind of shock. “You’re telling me you’re not flirting with me even though I’m dating someone just because Marco told you so ?? You’re both crazy.”

“What ? No !” 

“Shhush !!” Said a voice behind them, Jean put his hands on his head, starting to feel overwhelmed but Maria stood up and gave a murderous look to the girl. 

“Oh shut up yourself, we all know you’re just busy sleeping.” She immediately turned over to Jean, who was looking at her with grand open eyes. “Marco just told me you were in a bad relationship and that if you found someone new it would be better for you. But I see you’re just a weirdo like all the other.” She took her stuffs and started to leave before Jean grabbed her hand and pulled her back in her seat.

“Wait- I’m sorry.” He blurted, “I shouldn’t have reacted that way.”

She rubbed her neck. “Well, first of, we shouldn’t have done that. You’re a bitch but I’m too.”

He chortled. “We’re both bitches then.” 

Maria put back her notebook on the table and took Jean’s hand in her, making the man blushes and stutter. “I still find you cute.” 

“That’s- That’s very nice but- Uh... I can’t.” His face was red and his whole body was burning from the inside. “I really love her.”

“Sure.” 

He didn’t pulled away his hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no


	8. Good news !

“Hey, babe.” Mikasa said through the phone. “How was your day ?”

“Fine, I guess ? Nothing much happened.” Nothing in his voice or eyes was betraying him. “Oh, yes ! There was a fight between two dudes in the cafeteria over the last caramel muffin and it was hilarious.” Jean chuckled, thinking back of the incredible event. “They’re two medicine student studying to be surgeon so they didn’t used their precious hands, I’ll send you the video I took.”

She smiled, happy to see her man so relaxed. He had been so stressed and quick to anger recently.

“And you, how was your day ?”

“Actually, it was very good ! I got a promotion at work which means I’ll have more vacation days.” They both smiled wide, “Meaning I will soon come and visit you. I can’t wait !!”

They talked for hours until Jean fall asleep on her, around five AM. She cut the call, and left a text message for him when he’ll wake up. ‘ _I love you so much_ ’. 

She received his answer the next morning and blushed. 

“You sure you don’t want a correct man for you there ?” Asked her grandma as she hugged her in front of the airport. “I know lot of good men who would sell their soul for a chance to meet you.”

“I have Jean, you know. He’s all I need.”

“Mmmh, a Jewish Gaijin is what you got, I’m speaking about a correct Japanese man.”

For Japanese’s traditions’ sake Mikasa didn’t say anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I smell drama ngl


	9. Pizza night

“Your friends are all so nice !” Exclaimed Mikasa while taking off her pant. They had just returned from dinner at Jean’s favorite pizzeria so he could present to her his friends. He had been a little nervous at first when he realized Maria would be among them but everything turned up nice so there is no problem. Absolutely no problem. Actually, Marco out of all people had been the problem. “And it’s been so long since I’ve seen Marco too ! Though, he was a bit cold...” 

“He’s stressed out because of the incoming exams, don’t worry. I’m sure he was happy to see you too.” He lied. 

She entered the bed, making herself confortable under the thick sheets and watched Jean put away his clothes. 

“I missed you.” 

“I missed you too.”

He followed her in the bed, and she put her head against his torso. “Don’t turn off the light, I want to see you.” She said, rubbing her hand on his stomach. 

“I really missed you.” He smiled, then kissed her passionately, to make up for everything he could reproach himself. “ _She deserves so much better than a fraud like me_. ”

Marco, who was on the other side of the wall, couldn’t sleep for the night and almost decided to barge in their room to urge them to stop it when the second round started. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jean’s guilt is growing up. Why tho ? Didn’t they just hold hands in class ? :>


	10. Maria

“Hey Mikasa !” 

She turned over and saw Maria, one of Jean’s friend from last time. They had not talked very much last time but she seemed nice. “Hi. How are you ?”

“Just fine, mind if I walk with you a bit ? I’m going on campus.”

“I don’t mind at all !” 

They chit chatted all the way, and Mikasa learnt that this girl sure talked a lot. She asked lot of questions about everything but was particularly curious about Japan, her martial art skills and how she made her relationship work with the distance, something she wasn’t able to do with her previous partner. 

“And how did you met, by the way ?” Cut Mikasa, getting unnerved by so many questions about her life. “I mostly know everybody else but I don’t think he talked about you ?”

Maria scratched her nose, “At a party I think ?” She shrugged, “I was so drunk I barely remember anything but I think I just aggressively talked to him and called it friendship ahah !”

She tilted. “You’re the gay friend, uh ?”

“Gay ? Oh hell no ! I’m the straightest hoe around here,” she chuckled, “it’s a joke duh, I’m no hoe.” 

“Oh, uh.” Mikasa’s mind panicked, why the hell did Jean said she was gay if she wasn’t ? Was he trying to hide something ? Or just he assumed Maria was gay and didn’t bother to correct Mikasa when he learnt she wasn’t ? Was he scared she was going to be jealous if she learnt he was talking to another girl ? Mikasa started to feel terribly nervous, she wasn’t a jealous person to say, but after months of physical separation, everything could’ve happened... 

Maria saw her fidgeting her fingers and immediately understood.

“He said I was gay ?” Mikasa didn’t even breathed. “Oh !! No ! Mikasa, don’t worry he must have made a mistake. He wouldn’t lie about that kind of stuff. It’s not like it’s a cover up story because we’re dating.” She made a crazy face and bursted into laughters, only making Mikasa more nervous.

“He’s very nice, _your_ boyfriend.” She added, a sly smile that the other girl didn’t saw on her face. “I hope I’ll find some guy as fantastic as him.”

“Ahah, yeah.” She sour laughed, “I found the good one.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a hoe but a bitch let’s be honest


	11. Telling the truth

“How did you met Maria, by the way ?” Mikasa asked Jean, lying on her belly on their bed.

He shrugged, actually starting to panic inside. Why this sudden question !? Did she know something ? Did Marco fucking told anything ? “At a party. I told you about it though, she’s the one who didn’t stop talking to me.”

“The gay one ?” She looked at her nails. 

“Yeah.” 

“I should present to her a girl I know, Maria told me she wished to find somebody as nice as you.” 

Her tone was getting more and more cold, and Jean could feel it. “Ah... Ahaha... yeah.”

“You should ask her to come tomorrow for lunch, my friend live around here.” He didn’t answered, trying to find the right words. “Or... you could just tell me what’s up ?”

“What ?”

She turned over on and sat down, legs crossed. Her face was even more closed than usual and he swears those eyes could kill. “Alright. I’ll call her then to arrange the date.” She took her smartphone and started typing, “She will love my girl friend, I’m sure.”

“Ok ok ok !” Jean rubbed his face and sat down next to her. “She’s not gay. I lied.” 

Mikasa put down the phone, “I’m not a jealous woman, Jean. I trust you and love you a lot but this kind of things is making me feel very uneasy. As if there was actually something you wanted to hide.”

“I’m not hiding anything, honey. She’s just a friend who, at first, thought she was gay. And then I just forgot to tell you she wasn’t. That’s all.” He lied. 

“She’s cute.”

“You think ?” Jean chuckled and cupped her face between his large hands. “Well, I think you’re cuter.” He kissed her. 

This time Marco banged against the wall to make them stop but they only bursted into giggles and kept on. “ _ That’s my tragic villain backstory _ _._ ” He thought, bitter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is that all ?


	12. Timeskip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of alcohol abuse and break up.

Four days later, Mikasa was starting to pack back her bagage, getting ready to goes back to Japan. Jean was watching at her, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed against his chest. “You really have to go back ?” 

She folded a shirt, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Mmmh. Work... And my grandma.” Her voice seemed like stuck down her throat. 

“A week for seven months... Is it going to be like that forever ?” He looked at the ceiling and sniffed, holding back tears. “I mean. It was supposed to be temporary but it feels like you’re actually going to live back there.”

Her chest was so heavy, she couldn’t answer. Could she even breath at all ? “ _ Maybe I am dying _ _,_ she thought,  _ maybe that’s what you feel when you die _ _._ ”

“Is it because of what happened at the party ? I was drunk, I just...”, he quickly swiped away a rogue tear on his cheek and immediately took back his cool-guy pose, “I just was elsewhere. I didn’t mean it.. Whatever I told you is false.” 

“You cried on my lap.” She said weakly, “Begging me to not leave you or else you’d die.” 

“I was drunk. Very drunk.” 

“You were crying and apologizing for  _ existing _ .” 

“I just love you a lot.” 

“You told me you would never hurt me ever again and begged once again to not abandon you.” She folded the same shirt for the fourth time but finally abandoned, “I’m hurting you. I’m the reason why you cry. You fucking said you’d _kill_ yourself. We should just end it there before something terrible happen.” 

“NO !!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(


	13. Sun lounging under the gray sky

Marco, who was outside the house in the garden sitting on a shitty plastic sun lounger, still recovering from that damned party, flinched in surprise. Jean’s voice could be so low and guttural when he was angry. “I did that, fuck.” 

Indeed, maybe Marco got badly smashed and maybe he told Jean something not nice about Mikasa, thus making Jean panic and think she had already left, hating on him. “I’m the worst...” He took another pill against headaches, feeling very shitty and guilty. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Marco, why all that guilt ?


	14. Don’t you see it yet ? The pain and tears ?

“I’m not the one for you. That’s all.” Her heart shattered into millions of little pieces, and she couldn’t hold back her sobs any longer. She crumbled down onto herself, holding that shirt against her chest and cried it out. “I’m no good at all, I went away and broke your heart !” 

He ran to her, kneeling down and took her hear between his hand, forcing her to look at him. “No, no no, Mikasa,” he put his forehead against her and kissed her tears, kissed her scar and her nose, “You’re the only one for me, I swear. I can’t love another and I’ll never love another. I love you.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks. “I love you so, so much.” 

“I’m still hurting you... We can’t live like that, you can’t just wait for me even though I don’t know when I’ll come back.” 

“No no no !! I can ! I did ! I can do it again !” He kissed her hands again, hold her closer and tighter to him, “I can’t loose you. I just love you so much. I would do about anything for you, honey...” 

She pushed him away, her cheeks red and her eyes puffy, tears still rolling. “Are you even hearing yourself !?” He tried to pull her toward him but she pushed him even more and he lost his grip on her. “You can’t keep on doing this ! I know everything !” 

She threw the shirt away, anger rising through the despair, as his face lost all his colors. He could be next to a corpse and still look more dead.

“I know your grades are falling down, I know you live from energy drink and barely sleep anymore ! I know all your friends are worried sick for you ! Goddamnit, you asked Sasha to _lie_ to me ! You asked her to told me everything was fine !!” 

“It’s fine Mikasa ! Everything is under control !!” He stood up and walked to her, grabbing again her hands. “I just was in a tricky situation but it wasn’t about you or our relationship, everything is better now, trust me ! I cleared my mind, I know what I am doing.”

“You lied to me ! How can I trust you after seven months of lies !?” Her voice was so high, almost brittle. “ _ What a pitiful shit show, _ she thought.  _ How did we ended up like that _ _._ ”

“I didn’t- I just-“ he scoffed, searching his words, “Ok maybe I lied but I didn’t want you to worry !” She stepped back, and rubbed her face in disbelief. He took his head between his hand, ruffling his long hairs, and started pacing back and forth. “You had so much to deal with ! You were going to live alone in a foreign country, to help your grandma you had met like four times in your life cause’ it was your last alive family !! You had to put your studies on pause and go work so hard in another culture !! You had to force yourself upon racist and sexist ! My shit university story don’t mean shit against that.” 

He put his hand on his hips, trying to act as if he was not totally loosing it right now. Why was she so harsh and mean !? He loved her and that should be enough for it to work ! No matter the distance, no matter the errors, if there was still love it could work. 

“They do mean shit, of course, you dunce ! It’s your _life_ !” She screamed, frustrated beyond words. Why was he so stubborn to underdetermine himself !? “You can’t hide that ! You can’t hide pan of your life to me ! You can’t build anything on lies ! And what if you failed your year, would you _even_ have told me !?” 

“Rho !! I wouldn’t have failed !” _ I probably would have said that I voluntarily wanted to stop _ , he thought to himself.

“You put on jeopardy your scholarship for me, Jean ! Don’t you see how fucked up it is ?” She felt monstrous. “We need to break up before you hurt yourself beyond repairs !”

“Fucking stop this !!” He slammed both his fist against the wall, and shouted so loudly she stoped moving like she had been hit herself, “You don’t know how I’m feeling, I’m fine for fuck’s sake !! I’m good and healthy and a damn adult !” He turned around to her and pointed his finger to her face, anger blinding him so bad he couldn’t see how scared she just got. “Stop saying that we need to break up when you _clearly_ don’t take account of how I feel !!”

Her chest tightened and her breath shortened as if someone had just punched her in the heart. He was so scary, his reddening face twisted like that, tears in his eyes. “Jean-“

“I’m not willing to abandon you, goddamnit !” He was so hurt, his loud breathing was all she was able hear, barely any words he shouted could touch her. 

“You’re-“ She stammered, blood battling against in her head. Mikasa could take him so easily, she still practiced four sports and was pretty muscular, but she Still was scared. Scared of how far his anger had taken him, scared of his nails biting in his palms, scared of his neck’s vein twitching... Scared of his shaking yells that couldn’t but hurt him.

“What !!?” He snapped, cutting her off, “What are you going to reproach me that time !!?”

“You’re scaring me.”

Jean often mocked her brother for being short tempered and quick to anger, but god, was it the pot calling the kettle black ! 

“Wha-“ He immediately stopped breathing and moving, seeing her tight shoulders and trembling lips. “Oh fuck.” His eyes widened in shock, “Oh no, oh fuck I’m so sorry-“

He fast walked to her, making her jump out which only caused his heart to fail. 

“I won’t do it again-“ His face turned white. He hugged her tightly, putting her head against his chest and his chin on the top of it. She was so strong and amazing he forgot she was also small and soft and as human as anybody else. “I swear, Mikasa, I’ll never hurt you. Never.” His voice started to shake, afraid she might have thought he would have hit her. “I’m not like that, I’m not violent.” 

“You just were...” She snorted to not burst into cries once again and crumbled down even more against him, yearning for the warm comfort. “You punched the wall, left a hole and kept on yelling.”

“Mikasa, I am so sorry...” His heart was battling like hell against her ear, “I’m not my father, never in my life I- I could have hurt you like that.”

She softly pushed him away so she could look at his eyes. She loved his eyes, they were of a beautiful hazel with golden flecks in them that, under the sun, shined like liquid gold but now they were of a darker shade, as dark as these nights were ships sailed on seabed. 

“I thought everything was fine but everything was crashing down before you and you can’t even see it.” She muttered softly, cupping his head between her hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Write drunk correct sober but now I have alcoholism


	15. Dealing with guilt

Still sitting on the sun lounger, Marco hesitated to take another pill. Was it the hangover or just the guilt eating him up alive ? He looked at the box, ‘ _not more than 1 per two hour_ ’ it said. He winced and took a third, one less or more, was he even counting ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always follow pills boxes’ instructions please


	16. It’s over

“You’re right.” He sat down on the bed, “I’ll stop to lie to you.”

“It doesn’t matter. We still have to end this.” He rose his head up and looked at her as if he just had been shot in the stomach. “It don’t work.” 

“I just said I’ll make it work...” He was physically and mentally exhausted. He wanted to cuddle with her under his sheets and sleep away the weeks and the pain. “Just give me, no, give  us a second chance.”

She hated seeing him like that, despite his size he looked like a hurt little bird, crying out for help. She was ready to die for him, she would kill for him. She protected him and supported him all the years they dated. Hell, they’re dating since they’re fucking fifteen ! But that time it wasn’t some school bully but herself.  _ She _ was hurting him. 

“Jean...” She whispered, then sat beside him. “Look at us. Look at you.”

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.” She leaned against him, put her head on his shoulder and took his hands between hers. “You’re killing yourself.”

“It’s fine. I love you.”

“I love you too.” It hurt like hell but this was the last time she said it to him. “That’s why I am leaving.”

“I’ll wait for you...” His voice was so low she could barely hear him. “You’ll come back, and I’ll be there.”

“Don’t sacrifice your life for me, Jean.” She hold his hand tighter. “It’s over.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That hurt to write ngl


	17. Half Dead

“Jean... Buddy...” Marco said, peaking his head through his friend’s door. It was smelling like some dying bear’s cave and the poor man couldn’t but feel even more sorry for him. “You gotta go out one day or another.” He took a look around him, the room was full of half empty junk food and vodka bottles, the thick curtains were shut down, and no light was entering the room, except the yellow flickering light from outside the door. 

He grunted and pulled up his covers over his head.

“It’s been weeks now...” 

“She’ll come back...” He sounded like a Russian alcoholic with a very bad throat cancer.

Marco looked at the poster covering the hole he made last time she was there. “No, she won’t.”

“She will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get yourself a friend like Marco that will fuck shits up but help you through it :^)


	18. Silence

He was under his sheets, holding close to his heart his phone, ready to jump at the first notification. He had sent Mikasa so many texts, and called so many times, telling he was sorry, that he’ll never do it again and that he couldn’t live without her but she never answered. 

“ _ Silence treatment... _ ” He thought bitter. “ _ I deserve it. After what I’ve done... ”  _


	19. Heartfelt discussion

“Man... You need to stop drinking like that.” Marco was holding his head above the toilet, looking away as he puked everything he drank that night. Once his friend stopped, he let him sat against the wall and put his arms on the toilet bowl, just to be sure he wasn’t going to slip away. As he took the glass used for when they were brushing teeth, the drunkard scoffed and cleaned up his bearded chin. It has been days since he last took the time to shave correctly. 

“I’m so pathetic right now... You should leave too.” His vision got blurry as tears started to rise. 

“Dude, I’ll never leave you.” He then gave him the glass full of water and watched him drink it slowly. “And... She was right.” A tear rolled down his face. “It wasn’t right for you.” He put down the glass and looked into the void. 

“I love her... It should be enough...” His chest felt even more heavy and felt like he couldn’t breath anymore. “We could... We could have...” He leaned his head against his arm, trying to find a position that wasn’t making him even more sick. “I mean... Look at me right now. I feel like shit... I want to die... I need her, bro...”

“You’ll feel like shit for months, yeah... But it’s better than losing everything you worked hard for. She knew that.” Marco sat on the edge of the bathtub. “You’ll feel good again. You’ll find someone else again. You’ll move on.”

“Why does it feel like-  _ burp _ \- like I’ll never move on, tho... It’s  _ already _ been months since she...” He closed his eyes. He was so tired... So exhausted. Living was hard right now for him, not gonna lie. “She’s my first crush... My first girlfriend... We told each other we’ll get married when- When she came back from Japan.” Marco heart’s throbbed, it was so heartbreaking to hear and see. “I had told Ma’ about it you know...? Like... For hours I looked at the family ring, asking myself when and how I’d ask her...”

“Jean... Don’t hurt yourself like that.”

But he didn’t hear him, “At first I wanted something flashy, so I thought of a firework or like...” He raised his hand toward the ceiling, “-a plane with a banner saying ‘marry me’...”

Marco couldn’t hold a chuckle. “She would have killed you for that.”

“Ahah, yeah totally.” He smiled softly, “She’s not much of a ‘tell everyone’ so I thought about a nice fancy dinner, and I’d have asked the server befor- beforehand to write ‘ _marry me_ ’ on the plate with chocolate... For the dessert.” 

“That’s nice.” Marco thought of his own love life and got sad that he never met a man that he loved enough to think about such things.

“Then we get married. And we get children... And we live happy together...” 

“Jean,” Marco felt bad, he still didn’t told him it was in part his fault for what happened. First he pushed Maria onto him, then he said bullshit at the party... He had to come clean. “You don’t know but-“

“Marco...”

“Hm ?”

“How am I gonna find anyone else... like her ?” He played with the empty glass, making it roll from right to left on the ground. “Someone that I love...”

“I guess you could start by dating someone...” He will come clean another time, “you don’t have to love her tho’. Just find someone, spent time with them and if they’re not right just find someone else.”

He nodded, listening dutiful. “I only ever loved Mikasa. I _still_ fucking love her...”

“You know what, start with Maria. She’s still single and as she knows what happened she won’t be too demanding.” He almost felt bad for succeeding into making him date that girl. “You don’t have to marry her, just for fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No name and Marco


	20. Wrong number

\- Hi Mikasa, I know I have no right to text you after all these years but I just wanted to apologize. If you ever pass by the hometown, I’d to have a coffee with you so I can, in person, tell you how I regret what I have done and maybe start things fresh. We could become friends maybe.

\-  申し訳ありませんが、番号が間違っています。

(Read at 3.am)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely hope that the Japanese is correct


	21. Sunny days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeling better, feeling your name again.

Sasha was scrolling down Instagram when she saw Mikasa’s picture of her and a new boyfriend. She glanced quickly at Jean, who was across the room studying with Maria, Marco and other friends for their last finals. After five years, they were all going to finally graduate with a well-deserved master degree !

The girl knew how ugly things went down in the end. She was the one who updated Mikasa on Jean’s states through the years and told Marco what was his favorite comfort food when he was at his worst. Though, he once asked her how she knew all of that, and scared Marco would get angry for keeping contact with Mikasa she just told him a ‘friend’ had a similar problem once. 

Of course Marco understood who was behind theses recipes when Jean said “Mikasa used to make this too...” but let it happen. If it was hard for his best friend, it was surely hard for her. Even more hard as she hadn’t any friend with her for support.

Sasha double taped the picture, even though her friend didn’t seemed like the happiest woman on it, and then clicked on her profile. It’s been months since they last talked or texted. Her account was mostly picture of herself from behind, standing in front of sunsets and beautiful paysages or of her and her grandma. They really seemed to have grown closer after all that time... There was some picture of street cats, and always without any caption or hashtag which was unnerving the young woman. “ Does she don’t know how to use insta ? Is she old before her age ? ”

There was barely any pictures in total, but the last one was really off the lot. The first picture she ever posted, back when they were all fifteen and not crippled in debt, was of herself and Jean laughing together. People usually delete these after a breakup but for some reasons, Mikasa couldn’t. 

“What a couple of dorks...” She muttered to herself. 

She really wished they could have made it work, it was such a beautiful love story. Starstruck at first glance, then together until death do apart. 

“Hey Sasha, come in here !” Called Jean, “We need your advice on something.” 

She rolled up her eyes and went to them, “Jean here says that orange juice should only be drank with pulp.” Started to explain Marco, “Maria here agrees, but I, the only one with functional tastebud-“ A see of amused protested rose, “oi- oi oi ! Let me talk !” Sasha put her phone on the table, smiling at the sight of her friends being happy. “But I, with the rest of the table there considers that the pulp is the worst thing ever in orange juice.”

“Well, I’m with Jean on this, guys. Without pulp it’s as good as a Walmart orange syrup mixed with tap water.”

Jean and Maria cheered loudly and high-fived, “Boom !! The culinary student just told you to fuck off, ah !!” Laughed the man. 

Everyone, even the ones who didn’t know the full story, were glad to see him smile and laugh again. 

“You know what, just let me find a _good_ culinary student and we’ll talk about this again, idiot.” Chuckled Marco, rubbing his cheeks as they hurt him from laughing so much. 

“Anyways, speaking of school I have to go to class.” Announced Sasha while putting her bag on her shoulder. She took back her phone, had a look at Jean and shrugged before very quickly sending to Marco the picture of Mikasa and her new boyfriend, ‘ _idk but like maybe jean shouldn’t see this_ ’, she added in text message. 

“Bye, Potato girl.” Waved the boys and Maria. 

When Marco received the picture he winced and checked immediately if Jean was still following her. “ _ I think I even made him block her _ ... He thought,  _ Urgh no, I’m not so sure. _ ”

“Bud’, you good ?”

Marco jerked his head off his phone, “Yeah yeah ! I just received a text but nothing very important.”

“Alright.” Jean opened his textbook, “let’s go back to it then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If u like (or just have nothing else better to do) that story don’t hesitate to leave a kudo or to comment ! I’d be surprised but happy to see some lol :’))


	22. Instagram

At night, in his bed while Maria was sleeping next to him, Jean went to Mikasa’s Instagram account. He used to do it a lot, just to know if everything was ok. He wasn’t following her but he knew her username by heart. 

“Oh.” He sighted when he saw the word boyfriend in the caption. He was presenting clean, not very smiling but good looking. “He seems to have a broom up his ass tho’...”

He was sad to see she had moved on, but happy she wasn’t all alone. He knew how hard it had been for her to adapt. 

“Jean... Cut the light please... I have to sleep...” Groaned Maria next to him, she pulled the cover up her head. 

“Sorry, sorry.” He turned off his phone and laid down on his back, looking at the white ceiling imagining what she was doing... Did she loved that guy ? He couldn’t reproach her from moving on, he did it way earlier than her.

The man looked at his own girlfriend, trying to understand if it was just a rebound or love. For sure it wasn’t even half of what he felt for Mikasa but maybe it was enough. Maybe you’re not supposed to love like he loved again. Now that water had passed he understood why she acted like that, and he even was grateful for that... He really was driving at two hundred kilometers per hours straight into a solid brick wall back then... But at the same time, he still missed her. She didn’t wanted anything with him anymore but he couldn’t change how he felt... He will just respect her wish. 

He shrugged it off, as he always do when sadness and regrets come back to creep on him late a night, and put a hand on her hip. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s better off like that, no ?


	23. Birthday, revelations and street fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco’s secret

“Happy birthday man !” Shouted Marco, clinking his glass to Jean’s. “You’re old now !!” Both men bursted into laughers.

“You’re only younger of one month, you bastard.”

“You’re still twenty-seven and I, for now I recognize, twenty-six !”

They drank all night, Jean had wished for a small event with only Marco, he’ll throw a real party at the end of the week. The streets were empty, only them and their loud drunken voices were sign of life.

“Oof,” panted Marco, letting himself fall onto the ground, “I need to sit down...” 

“You’re in the gutter... At least let’s sit on the bench...” He closed an eye, “which is like... four meters away...”

“I’ll follow you even to a bench at ten meters away,” laughed Marco, “but after eleven meters I can bullshit.”

“Ah... We good there...” Sighted Jean after they both sat down. He still had a bottle of whiskey in one hand, covered up by a brown paper bag of course and drunk a small gulp before passing it down. Marco took a long one before pulling out of his pockets small piece of breads. “Why ?” Laughed Jean when he watched him eating them.

“I’m so smashed right now, and I crave bread.” 

“How’s Thomas ?” 

“You already asked me this like... Like an hour ago.”

“Well, he could have sent a text in between, saying he apologize or something... That’s the least he can do.” 

“He cheated on me dude, a text won’t matter for shit.” Marco took another gulp, “Cheaters should just all go get fucked.”

Jean thought about this words.

“I cheated.” He then said, looking at the rare stars in the sky. At night, in a city always enlightened by street-lamps it often seemed like they all disappeared from existence. Marco choked on the whiskey.

“You cheated on Maria !?” His voice went high, shocked. 

“What ? No.” Jean’s gaze was empty, Marco couldn’t read him for once.

“On... Mikasa ?” Even after seven years, it was still a touchy subject. 

“Yeah.” He took a sharp breath and lengthily exhaled. “After I told you to fuck off cuz’ you put up all this shit to make me dump Mikasa... I insulted her...Maria I mean...” He rubbed his eye, “then apologized of course...”

Marco was listening, silent and still under the shock. He could have never thought that Jean would have been able to cheat on Mikasa. The woman he still talk of after seven years.

“And she complimented me ?” He let escape a small laugh, “And hold my hand ? I was so exhausted back then about everything, and so pissed about you and even about Mikasa... We went home, still holding hand. Without a single word. And fucked in the damn living room. It didn’t last long, after seven months of nothing... But it just felt so good. I didn’t loved her or anything, it was purely for sex.”

“Did you... Did you cheated on her again ? Does anybody else know ?”

“It lasted until... A week before Mikasa came back. And except from Maria and well, Mikasa, no, I don’t think so.” He paused. “She left the next day after the party as you know... It was so painful and humiliating. And to be honest I was so hammered I don’t even remember why I started to cry like that on her lap.”

“Fuck...” 

“Everyday I felt guilty. Everyday I wanted to throw myself out a goddamn roof and end it for good.”

“Dude...” 

“Cheaters should for sure get fucked.” 

“No, dude...” Marco gave him the bottle and let him took a long gulp. “I don’t mean it like that. I meant that  Thomas should get fucked.”

“It’s all over now, anyways.” He looked at his feet, “A week later and everything crumbled down to shit. It was my fault, really.”

Marco still remember, clear as source water, his words to him, back at that damned party, “ _ It’s a shame Mikasa is leaving now. I think she had a fight with Maria about something _ _._ ” He had been such a asshole that night and invented that sad and pathetic starter of a drama... To think there was actually something to have a fight about. That led to _this_. 

“No it wasn’t,”  come clean, come clean... After seven years and the months of depression and guilt he went through... you owe him that. “It was mine.”

“How could it even be your fault, Marco...” He put his hands in his coat’s pockets and fidgeted the papers and pennies inside. “I fucked up, that’s all.” 

“No...” He hesitated. Seven years of not telling shit. “I’m the one who made you cry.”

“What ?”

“You said you don’t remember but I can’t forget...” He banged the side of his head with his palm, “it’s engraved in here forever. I still think about it... I’m so sorry man.”

“You’re scaring me,” It was unnerving to see Marco on the edge of tears like that, he was such a nice man, sometime weird and entitled but he had such a good and gentle heart. “What do you mean ?”

“I didn’t know you cheated on her, but I just... I told you Maria and Mikasa had a fight and that she was leaving.”

Jean’s mind raced, desperately trying to remember anything, any words, any images. “What ?”

“I just wanted to push you to leave her. She was so bad for you back then, you were killing yourself slowly, not even realizing it ! I just thought that if you had a fight with her before she left you would decide to take a break and just...” 

Jean was speechless, he wasn’t even able to think straight. He couldn’t but look at Marco, eyes grand open in horror and incredulity. 

“I just thought... I was so drunk... And I know it excuses nothing, but like... So so 

drunk... I’m so sorry Jean.” 

“What the fuck.” He wanted to punch him. “Seven years... For seven years I thought... She hated me for cheating. I thought...“ 

“Jean...” Marco was genuinely sorry, his vision was blurry, and all his body was hurting. 

“I spent months in my bed, I had to go through fucking therapy to not blow my brain out. That shit _destroyed_ me, Marco.”

“You survived !”

“Barely for fuck’s sake !!” 

Jean was drunk, so so drunk. He had just turned twenty-seven, everything was going as fine as it could, he finally could say he was happy and maybe live his life with Maria but his friend, his  _ best _ friend had to drop that nuke !? On his fucking birthday !? 

“There is not a day I don’t regret it. I’m sorry, Jean.”

“I don’t fucking care !! You better be regretting it, at least !?” He stood up, his blood boiling hotter than the sun. “Because of you I fucking lost her !! You made me miserable !!”

“She wasn’t even good for you, anyways !!” Despair could be heard in his voice, but Jean was too furious to hear it. “You’re better off without her !”

Jean immediately lost his cool and tackled the man violently, pushing him onto the ground. “You fucking bastard !” To punctuate the word he punched him right into his face, as strong as he could. 

Blood was spilled, but Marco didn’t let it knock him out and pushed Jean away, before kicking him, still laying on the ground, all tangled up in his coat. 

Both men ended up fighting, punching each other and groaning insults until the police arrived, alerted by neighbors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do not punch your friends. Also, do not do tell to your friends you’re the reason they had big bad depression when they thought for years it was only cuz of them


	24. Bubble gum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria’s actually have two child, they’re named Jean and Marco

“God, Jean.” Sighted Maria dressed of a blue dressing gown and of yellow slippers. She had drive as fast as she could after the police called her. “I don’t even want to know why.” She said to him through the bars, looking sincerely devastated. 

Marco who was on the other side of the cell didn’t said anything, too busy to hold a rag over his wounds to sponge the blood.

“So, what ya doin’ ma’am ?” Asked one of the officer, he was chewing gum and looking at the register, barely paying attention. 

“I’ll take them both, I guess.” 

“You got money ? For the fine ?” He popped his bubble. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first I was writing her to be THE bitch but then I just grew to like her idk
> 
> She’s just Maria. She got feelings too


	25. And they say romance is dead

“What the fuck, Jean !? How old are you for fuck’s sake !!” Jean was riding shotgun, leaning against the car door, mumbling about how it was all Marco’s fault. “And you, I thought way much better of you !!” She didn’t turned over but looked at her friend through the wing mirror, he was sitting behind her, fidgeting little pieces of bread like a kid. “And you better not leave crumbs or else I throw you back to jail, idiot !!”

After she drove off Marco right in front of his house, and watched him get inside, she turned toward her boyfriend.

“What the actual fuck, Jean ?”

He shrugged, still furious and a bit drunk. “He told me something... That I wished I never knew actually.” 

“What does that even mean, shit !” She started the car and drove, after a long silence she kept on, finally asking what she wanted to ask for five years now ; “Who do you think I am, Jean ? What am I to you ?”

He rubbed his face, not ready for this. 

“Am I a rebound ?” She glanced at him quickly before looking back at the road, “Was i just there to fix you and now you’re leaving ?”

He groaned.

“Then tell me what the fuck I am to you, Jean !! Cause’ that fucking behavior remind me a lot of you six years ago when I fucking scrapped you off the ground after that shitshow !!” She paused a second, “And I’m not willing to do this again.” 

He turned to her, pained. “I don’t want this for you.” He said softly, “It’s not me... acting like I did. It’s just Marco who fucked up and I got so mad.” 

“What did he said again ?” 

He hesitated, but after all she was her girlfriend of seven years now and he knew her, “You remember that infamous party ? The one where I totally lost it ?”

“How to forget.” 

“I just learnt it was Marco who pushed me to that edge.” He was so bitter and furious, all his body was so tensed up he even started to feel pain in his jaw. “He was the one who told me Mikasa knew and was going to leave.”

“Knew ? For what we did ?”

“Yeah.”

“She didn’t ?”

“Apparently no.”

Maria was confused, she always thought too that Mikasa knew about that part. Seven years ago she didn’t see the evil in it, but now she would have bitch slapped her younger self at the moment she took Jean’s hand in that fucking classroom. “But then... Why did she left ? If not for the cheating ?”

“I guess... Because she knew how bad I was back then.” It hurt to say. “It hadn’t anything with her feeling betrayed... It was just for me.”

Maria rubbed her temple with one hand, anxious. “So. What you gonna do ?” 

“About what ?”

“About her.” She clenched harder on the wheel, her knuckles whitening and her teeth gritting. “You gonna go after her ?”

He scoffed, not seeing how tensed she was. “I still cheated on her. The secret is out, after tonight I’m not surprised if Marco talk about this to Sasha who will eventually talk to her. And I don’t even have her phone number, anyways.” 

“You could contact her through Instagram tho.”  _ Why are you doing this ? Do you want him to run away ? You should just keep him... You know you’re nobody against her. _ “Don’t try to deny it,” she added when she saw his perplexed face. “I know you still stalk her account when you think I’m sleeping.”

“I- I’m just curious.” 

“Whatever.” 

He completely turned over to her, finally seeing her discomfort, “Wait. Are you scared I might actually go after her ?”

She sniffed, and tried to hold herself upright, “Well. Now you could totally go after her, explain everything. You’re not on the constant edge of suicide anymore. You finished your studies. Her grandma’s dead.” She rolled her eyes up at the words, “it’s harsh to say but it’s true. You could totally run back to her and that time nothing will prevent you from living with her.” 

“Maria, babe...” His voice was so soft and sweet, like honey flowing down into a nice warm cup of tea. “I’m not gonna leave you. All it changes is how I view Marco, not you or Mikasa.” 

He put his hand on her tight and gently rubbed her, trying to soothe her despite his blurry vision from all the alcohol he drank. 

“I just... I love you Jean.” She said, her voice breaking down, “But I also know how much you loved her and how bad it destroyed you... Look, seven years after you’re still fighting about it ! What am I next to that ? Nothing.”

“No.”

“Yes, Jean. I was a rebound you just got stuck to.”

“Marry me.”

“W-What ?” She choked on their words, and glanced back and forth between him and the road. “You’re mocking me right now ?”

“No I’m serious. Marry me.” He looked sincere. “I love you.”

“Shut up you’re drunk.” She shook her head, “we’re almost home too.” 

“Maria, for real. Let’s get married.” 

Her heart was pulsing so fast she thought it was gonna explode, this couldn’t be happening ! She always thought he’ll never ask her that and they probably would’ve lived together without ever really getting married. But this ? This was surreal.

“For real ?” She asked weakly, scared he might gain back reason. 

“Yes.” 

She chuckled, reassured. “You’re the weirdest guy ever... I love you so much, Jean.”

“Is that a yes ?” 

“Of course you idiot !!” She parked in the alley, and stopped the engine. “But ask me again tomorrow after you slept and cleared up your mind.” She took his hand and kissed him on the back of it. “Alright ?”

“Alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marrying your rebound


	26. Sasha

“I can’t believe you’re getting married !” Screamed Sasha in joy, jumping all over the place. “I’m so happy for you Jean !!!” 

“Ahah, yeah same !” Jean was scared shitless but he wasn’t going to back down now. 

“To be honest I always thought you’d have never went over Mikasa...” She winced before adding ; “It’s of bad taste to talk of it on a day like that but you’re making such efforts and I’m happy for you.”

“Ah....” He hugged her, smiling, “Thank you...” 

“For when is it due ?” She asked after he broke the hug. 

“After your wedding of course, we’re not savages.” He laughed. “Maybe around June.” 

“You still coming to mine ?”

“Duh girl ! Why wouldn’t I ?”

She lost her smile and seemed hesitant, making Jean worry about what she was going to tell him. “She’s a friend to me. Mikasa... She’s a friend of mine.”

“Yeah... Sure...” He tensed up. “I mean, of course. You’re friend with whoever you want.”

“So I made her my maid of honor.” She looked at him, “Mikasa is coming back for my wedding.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad news ? Or good news ?
> 
> All I know is that Maria ain’t gonna like that


	27. Car ride to hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria is angry, Jean too, Marco don’t even want to talk and Connie just hoping to develop teleportation power at that point

There was not a single word exchanged in the car, Maria was driving, Jean was next to and on the backseat were sitting Marco and Connie. The tension was unbearable, and the two men behind were too scared of even trying to chit chat.

“I should go back.” Said thought gritted teeth Maria, “This is such a bad idea.”`

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Maria !” Groaned Jean, as tensed up as her. “What am I ? A fucking child ?”

“If she even breaths in your direction I’ll stab her.” 

Marco had no doubt it could happen but had even less doubt that Mikasa could win this fight. Strength wise. And also if Jean had to choose. 

“Are you crazy ?” He rolled his eyes to the sky, “You’re such a... You know what, never mind.” he shrugged the rest of his sentence with a quick movement of hand, as if he was trying to make a fly go away. 

“Do I need to remind you what happened last time you saw her ?” 

Connie cringed and crumbled down in his seat, scratching his forefront to block his view of the scene. 

“Do you really think I forgot ?” He was so pissed, he could be a responsible adult. “Eh Marco, do you think too I forgot what the fuck happened ?”

“Uh...” Everybody was now looking at him and he couldn’t bear that. “I don’t think.... i don’t think you forgot...”

“There it is !!” Jean turned to his fiancée, as if he had just won the most important battle ever, “Even Marco agrees ! You’re getting paranoid !”

Marco cringed into his seat and both him and Connie wished they could be anywhere else in the world. “ _To think I could’ve ride with Reiner and Porco._.. , he thought,  _ at least these two don’t have that kind of fight _ .”

“Jesus, I am just being careful and-“

“Maria, I’m not going to run after her like some teenage boy !” He heavily sighted, “I loved her, sure. I won’t deny it, but you’re the only one for me ! I mean, we’re preparing our own goddamn wedding !”

“If it can ease you,” Marco said, hands slightly shaking, “I’ll be with him all the time.”

She glared at him through the rear mirror, asking herself if she’s could trust him. Jean could be a cunning motherfucker and Marco was often too nice to him, especially after that fistfight they had when he told him the truth. She sulked, already imagining her fiancée running after the woman who broke him after he locked Marco in a cupboard.

“You can’t even punch straight, what would you even do if he tries something ?” She bitterly mocked him. 

“Eh, ouch.” 

Connie hide his face into his hands to hold a nervous laugh, this situation was so fucked up and yet becoming strangely funny. 

“Maria !!” Jean was exasperated, “I’m right here !” He turned to Marco, who was now giving them the cold shoulder, a hand under his chin looking through the window. “And stop being mean to him !”

“I’m just being careful and-“ 

“You already said that !! And i already told you that you were being crazy !”

“Is this really the moment to have a fight, guys ?” Asked Connie quietly and very carefully, ready to dodge any possible hit. “We already done three quarter of the way, you both confirmed your venue and I’m not missing my best friends wedding for some tragic sob story...”

Everybody, but Maria who looked at him through the mirror, turned toward him.

“Connie, just don’t say anyth-“ Started Marco, scared he might piss off even more the conductor but Jean cut him ; 

“No no, Connie is right and he should say it !” 

“Connie is dumb and-“

“You are the only one freaking out right now about something very stupid.” He tried to be the calmest he could. “Also you’re mean to everyone there and it’s frankly becoming uncomfortable.”

Connie and Marco both agreed at the same time, making Maria as uncomfortable as they were. “Sorry.” She said, “I just... I don’t trust her.”

_ I don’t trust you either. _

“Maria, Jean’s my friend since were like ten,” Connie smiled, trying to be reassuring, “He’s dumb but nice and he won’t betray you. You can trust him.”

She didn’t answered nor said a single word until they arrived to the place. “I have to give Nikolo somethings before the ceremony, keep me a place in front, please.”

Jean watched her leave, genuinely fed up. “I’m sorry guys... She’s too much sometime.”

“You two better not ruin Sasha’s wedding or else I’ll throw hands,” laughed Connie, but he was actually pretty serious. If any drama started between he, Maria or Mikasa, Connie was ready to get into the melee to slap some bitches. Though, Mikasa could easily snap their necks without flicking but the intention was there. “You two’s coming ? I’m pretty sure Reiner and co’ will take all the good places if we don’t arrive early enough.”

“The places are nominative, guys... Did you even read the invitations ?” Sighted Marco before following him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been Connie in this situation once. Never forget 
> 
> Tho can we really blame her ?? We all know what going to happen uh


	28. Being young and careless

Jean was fifteen was all over again, heart beating like crazy, butterflies in his stomach and eyes stuck to her. She was so beautiful, dressed in a pale ankle-length baby pink dress... She had very short hair, boyish style, but it only made her even more splendid and mature. He thought of his own long hairs and asked himself if she would like this length ?

He shouldn’t be feeling like that for a girl when his fiancée was just next to him, holding tightly his hand. 

“Jean ?” Whispered Maria, but he didn’t flinched, “Jean ?”

“Mmm ?” He quickly glanced at her before looking again at the maid of honor. 

She leaned closer to him and touched his cheek delicately, drying up a single tear, “You’re crying... You’re fine ?” 

He moved, uneasy, and rubbed his eyes. “Yeah yeah, the ceremony is just very touching.” He whisperedback, leaning toward her ear but still looking at Mikasa. “These vows were beautiful.”

“Yeah...” She wasn’t convinced it was entirely for these vows, she could totally writes better vows that didn’t included any potato joke, but let it slide. “I hope ours will be as pretty.”

“Yeah.” He clenched tighter on her hand, his chest feeling heavy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh poor Maria. At this point I’m just sad for you


	29. Crossing gazes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s like looking two trains rolling straight into each other, knowing the tragic outcome but still being unable to act on it.

The ceremony ended under thunderous applause from everyone, they were all standing up, some were shoutings felicitations and lot were crying out of joy. They all were moved to the dinner and party’s location, a beautiful castle made of old stones near a small river. It was pretty huge, three story tall and very french looking with the vines eating the building like they did... They really hadn’t worried about the expenses. 

Jean saw her walking behind Sasha to the rooms so they could change dress, laughing and smiling with one of the other maid until she caught his eyes and nearly tripped down. 

Maria was too busy talking with an old friend but Marco had seen everything and got afraid a moment. Maybe his fiancée wasn’t making a big deal out of nothing, there sure was something to apprehend between these two. 


	30. Eren

Maria and Jean were walking together, his hand over her hip and her over his, they were talking about their own wedding, of the limit of the budget and such, when they crossed Mikasa’s path. 

She was walking with Eren, her adopted brother, and when she saw them, she took by instinct his sleeve. 

“Jean, Maria.” He waved at them, quite cold in tone. Eren cared so much for his sister and when he learnt how it went down between them and how much she suffered all alone in a foreign country he had to restricted by Armin, Connie and Marco from attacking Jean. “You two there, what a surprise.”

Maria nervously chuckled and hold on tighter to her fiancé’s arm. “We almost couldn’t make it ‘cause of work but we weren’t going to let her down, ahah !”

“Work, uh ? Wasn’t it more like something about guilt and, presently letting down someone ?” He retorted, one could describe him as ‘salty’ for sure. 

“Don’t do that, please...” Mikasa ordered in hushed tones, so embarrassed and nervous, tucking on his sleeve again to try to force him to keep on walking.

“I’m saying that these two aren’t very classy.” He jerked his head back, as if he had just saw and smelled the worst shit ever. “To _parade_ like that.”

Jean always had a rivalry with Eren, ever since they were kids, but they do have been friends too and it was painful to see it was now only spites and actual hatred. “Can we not do that, today ? It’s a wedding, Eren. Sasha’s wedding.”

“You better not tell me what to do... Or even say my name aloud bitch boy-” 

“Shut up and let’s walk away,  please .” Mikasa forcibly pushed her brother away and walked away, the heart heavy. 

Jean couldn’t but notice she had now a pretty above knee length dark red dress that showed off a bare and toned back. “Eren’s always been like that. Don’t take offense.” He said to Maria. 

“Marco told me he’s in a gang ?”

“No no, he lives in a shitty part of the big city and just had to get a gun for protection, nothing about gangs.” They started again to walk, “He’s not mean or dangerous, just hot headed when it comes to family and to those he cares about.”

“I’d still look over my shoulder if he passed by again, though.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren knows something ? But ?? Uh ?? :>


	31. Fate and changing fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take your seat and forget about everything else.
> 
> I’d like to work a bit more on Reiner’s backstory here but do I have the time ??? No

“And like that you cannot know with whom you’ll be seated with !” Finished to explain Nikolo, “We wanted for all our guests to have a great time and to meet new people. I know my family and my dear bride’s one often had disagreements as we both had rival restaurants on the same street but today is the perfect day to ease and forget these tensions !!”

“Romeo and Juliette’s good ending, ah !!” Shouted a man with a strong accent at the back of the room and everybody laughed. 

“Indeed ! There is no poison nor any stabbing expected but the night is only starting !” The laughers continued but Jean was scared, random sitting ? You had to pick a number out of a white box that will announce your table ? This was an easy path to disaster. 

“ _ But you want to try it though _ , a tiny voice said in his mind.  _You want to be seated next to her_. ”

The box was handed over to them and one by one they took a piece of paper. 

“Table four.” Read to herself Mikasa but Jean managed to over heard and prayed, for the first time since he was seventeen, and yet ; “ Table six. ”

Fuck it, he walked alone his friends and found Reiner complaining he wasn’t sitting next to his own husband, Porco. “We can change if you want ?” Said very quietly Jean to him, “I got six, you got four. Win win situation.” 

“But, what about the game ?”

“You really want to spend the night three tables away from your husband ?”

Reiner gave in, “Who’s at table four you want so bad ? Your fiancée ?”

Jean hadn’t even thought of her since the strange seating was arranged but sure. 

“Yeah-“

“Armin, can we exchange !! I’m table five but I want to be next to Mikasa, table four !” Said aloud Eren, making Sasha and Nicole roll their eyes up and everyone else laugh. 

“Oh no.” Reiner, despite his very rough facade, was actually pretty smart. “God no, Jean don’t do that. Not tonight.”

“I’m not doing anything. Nothing bad will happen.” Who did he tried to convince, Reiner or himself ? 

“I was there at your break down, dude... I saw what went down.” He patted his shoulder, making Jean feel very infantilized for nothing but the tenth time of the fucking week. First maria, then Marco then goddamn Reiner deep-schizophrenic-crisis slash Aderall-addict Braun ?

“As we all saw your, duh ?” His voice was as cold as ice. “You owe me that after what you’ve done.”

“That’s not nice, man...”

“You tried to kill me but sure, I’m the bad guy there.”

“Alright alright, take it and I fucking better not hear about any fight with Eren or else...”

“Or else you kill me ?” Jean gave him the cold shoulder, fed up. “I’m yet to die by your hands, really.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can’t convince me this isn’t some wacky shit Sasha wouldn’t actually do irl !??


	32. Anger and pettiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annie is a good external character to internally make fun of them.

Annie was the only one not caring about the very tensed up atmosphere at the table, she was too busy appreciating the wonderful food both families had prepared for the occasion, and even if there was barely any words exchanged she didn’t mind. The steak was the finest and tender she ever had, the sauce was perfect too and she loved the funny looking small potatoes and veggies served as side dish ! She took a long sip of the wine, another delicious gift from God and while she was at it, looked at everyone... 

Mikasa and Eren were sitting next to each other, that last one was visibly furious and looking ready to snap some necks... His fists were clenched onto the silvery and his jaw so tensed up it reminded them all of the time he wrecked someone’s face with his bare fist... His sister looked alarmed, probably anxious that the bastard might for real jump on her ex and go for a kill.

She turned to Marco, sitting next to Mikasa, who was tapping his right hand’s fingers against the table and eating his left hand’s nails. Annie couldn’t but think that he should at least try to calm down by eating what was actually in his plate.

“ _ This is so ridiculous _ _,_ ” She thought putting down the glass, “ _ I’m not willing to spent such a cool event with these clowns who can only feel bad for themselves _ _._ ”

Hell, she knew Jean. She knew Mikasa. They’re goddamn grownups who lived through shit moments but it was over ! Acting like they were little children unable to decide for themselves cannot do shit but hurt them, and those around them, even more ! “ _ I know about getting swept away by the masses but this is just absurd _ .”

“So...,” Annie hold back a groan when Marco tried for the fourth time to start a discussion. “You’re in a law firm Mikasa ?”

“Yes.” 

Annie scoffed, directing all the attention on her. “I- uh. It’s just the fourth time you ask her that same question. It’s pretty sad, and funny, I think.” 

The table of five, except Marco who immediately blushed in shame, nodded in agreement.

“Let’s ask questions we didn’t yet asked then,” said Jean while patting his best friend shoulder as recognization for at least trying, “What you became, you ?” 

Annie regretted everything, she hated being the center of attention but if it was the price to avoid another question from Marco about Mikasa’s job she could do it. “I opened an all-women gym uptown. It’s working fine.”

“It’s named The Warrior, isn’t ?” Piped in Mikasa, taking a sip of wine.

“Yeah. I like the sound of the name. Give it a powerful je-ne-sais-quoi.”

“I told you it was her’s !” She turned to Eren and gave him two elbow pat on the arm, “I often go there to work out when I’m in town and I was almost sure I had sawn you once.”

Jean and Marco couldn’t but notice the ‘ _when I’m in town_ ’.

“You could have said hello, I’m always glad to see old friends.”

“We all know that’s false, tho.” Chortled Eren, “You’re the queen of the cold shoulder.”

“To _you_ yeah, especially when you scream my name in the streets like some crackhead monkey.” Everybody chuckled, that was a real Eren thing to do. “Also you’re not as hot as your sister.” She added a wink for good measure. 

Mikasa softly laughed and roll up her eye, amused. “That’s for sure.”

“What do you even know about being hot,” He exclaimed, a large smile on his face, “I was a model for a while, you know !” It was so easy to anger him, but even more easy to calm him down. Like a baby, if you shake your car’s key in front of them they will only focus to it. 

“I’m not the only one who find your sister hot, tho.” And that was it to piss off Yaeger again.

Jean, who up to this moment was pretty amused and chuckling between two gulp of wine, froze up. Mikasa looked away big lumps in her throat and tried to pull Eren’s shirt to not make him overreact but her brother was already looking at him as if he just killed his mother. 

“Yeah, right. I forgot you were there, Kirschtein.” 

Annie watched the scene with apathy, fed up, were they all fucking five ? She didn’t even meant him in the first place ! _Everybody_ find Mikasa sexy !!  Jean and Mikasa had their things, it failed, now they had moved on ! Why was Eren so entitled to piss off everyone and fight Jean goddamnit !?

“Eren, don’t throw a tantrum here. For Sasha, do this for Sasha.” Begged Mikasa, already seeing the two men on the ground fist fighting like teenage boys. Which sadly used to happen a lot back then.

“Calm down, Yaeger. It happened a long time ago.” He quickly glanced to Mikasa, who looked desperate from such stupidity, “I’m even engaged to someone else, now.”

“Yeah, right. Maria.” He said her name as if it was a slur and it started to piss off Jean. 

“What you got against her ? The first time you spoke to her was like one hour ago for fuck’s sake.”

“I know what I need to know about how you two met to understand why you two should get fucked.”

Jean choked on his saliva and started to loudly cough out of surprise. Annie couldn’t but wonder what Eren meant. She wasn’t Jean’s friend, and quickly Mikasa’s one but after she went away to Japan they never really talked much more. Even Berthold was closer to the woman than she was. She narrowed her eyes, trying to decipher from their behavior what that could mean. Marco had sweaty palms he was trying to dry up since the dinner started but this time his cheeks were red and started to fidget even more all the little objects near him...

“I don’t understand- I don’t understand what you mean,” Jean was stumbling over his words, his face entirely red. “I just don’t like that you insult my future wife so can you please chill the fuck out.”

“We’re just trying... Trying to have a nice evening. At least for Sasha and Nikolo.” Mumbled Marco who poured a glass of water and gave it to his friend, still flustered and scoffing. 

“Such a nice evening.” Mocked Annie. “For when is the wedding, Jean ?” Let’s stop the shitshow now by distracting the attention. 

“June. Maybe.” 

They stayed silent again, living the night through other’s chit chats. Marco almost regretted promising to Maria that he would keep a eye on him. He was his best friend, no matter the lows they endured but this was torture. Mikasa, Eren and Annie ? At the same table ? With Jean ? Did life had piped the dices for them and decided to fuck up for good their lives or what !?

“Will it be a Jewish wedding, though ?” Asked Mikasa after she got tired of listening to other’s discussion and playing with bit of cold food in her plate. She had an hand under her chin, and gave to him a look he couldn’t decipher. “I clearly remember your mom being very insistant about us having a Jewish wedding. And me converting to Judaism”

Eren rolled up his eyes and leaned back into his chair, crossing his arms against his chest. “Just don’t talk to him, it’s for the better.”

“Maria is Irish protestant,” Answered Jean through gritted teeth, “So her very conservative parents are also very insistant on having a protestant wedding. I’m more of an atheist so I don’t really care to be honest.”

“Maybe Marco should officiate the ceremony. It’s neutral and nice to have a friend marrying you rather than a priest of a religion you don’t believe in.” 

“I’d like that.” Added Marco, shrugging. “A gay catholic, her parents are gonna love this.”

“ _ Why am i giving him wedding advice when I am the one who want to be his bride ?” _

_ “ Why is she giving me advices ? Does she really want me out so bad ? ” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just.... Poor everyone. Annie is fun to write and I like to take a break from over emotional sad sex stories sometime :’)
> 
> Eren definitely knows something. But how ? Do Mikasa know too ?? But that’s impossible


	33. Fanfiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime i like to tackle myself

The dinner finally ended, and Annie couldn’t hide her joy of being free from such a painful moment. “I’m pretty chill usually but this was hard to watch...” She said to Reiner, who gave Jean the mean eye, “So much sentimentalism and frustration for nothing. It looked like bad out of character fanfiction... Or failed bottles episodes.”

“Yeah you sure know all about bad fanfiction, isn’t.” 

“I barely wrote thirty-six ones, you shithead.” Annie grunted, “And they were good. I still get kudos...”


	34. Incoming problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk.

Just after Sasha and Nikolo’s first dance, the dance floor was mobbed by everybody, who to be honest were all pretty drunk already. The groom’s family had a small vignard in the south of France and they had use of the occasion to bring the most bottles of wine and other bubbly’ possible... After second thought, Jean finally realized they were probably of french descendance. French looking castle ? French food ? French wine ? And that one uncle named François François ? 

He took another sip and snickered to himself at his blindness, as if it was THE breaking new of the century

“That party is totally french.”

“You ever went to France ?”

Jean jumped out, and discovered Mikasa to his side, she too had a glass of wine in her hand. “Mi-Mikasa ?” 

No, he couldn’t do that now. He had promised to Maria, to Sasha, to Marco, to Connie and to his mom that he’ll never fall like he did. And yet, she was here in front of him and all he wanted was to kiss her. 

“Actually, never went there but this still scream France a lot, don’t you think ?”

“They do got some french heritage. But as much as the pizza chief down the street got Italian blood.” She scoffed, amused, “They just like the allure a lot.”

He nodded, acting as if he had heard all of it and wasn’t just focused on her lips... Her beautiful red lips... He could even see that little drop of wine in the corner of her mouth. He wanted to taste her. She immediately saw it though, and sighted, both happy and horrified by it. 

“You drank a lot, isn’t ?”

He looked at the liquid in his glass then nodded, “I guess so... You got rosy cheeks too though.”

“I don’t have a record of drunk calling exes.”

“I.... I did ?”

She shrugged, “Whatever. I’m glad we talked. It was nice.” She had to cut it befor- he grabbed her arm and pulled her toward him. 

“Don’t leave just yet...” He looked so sad and... and very horny too. “Let’s just talk.” 

“We’ll talk outside then, there is so much loud music and all these people screaming...” He let go of her. “And let’s have real discussion, cause we sure started on the wrong tracks with that awful dinner.

“I’ll follow you to the edge of the world.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do yOU SMELL the DRAMA coming ??? Do YOU smell it ????


	35. Look at me. I missed your golden eyes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally have a talk after seven years.

“So...” Mikasa’s voice was still so warm and wonderful. He hoped it was the last sound he will hear before dying. “We’re talking now.” He thought of this moment so many times, dreamt of it even ! Yet, he was barely able to start a sentence right now...

“Well...” Her heart clenched, hearing him again... After all these years ? It was like paradise again. She wanted to jump on him and hug him tight, and to never let go of him ever again. “What you been doing..., except working in a law firm, of course ?” He snickered, thinking back of Marco’s awful conversation starters.

She feverishly took a cigarette, she needed to use her hand or else she’d kiss him. She knew he wanted it but one had to be the responsible bigger person. “Nothing much.” She offered him one but he refused with a sign of the head.

Jean looked at her while she lighted it up, rediscovering her face through the fire’s light, all her perfections and imperfections that he loved and dreamed of since his tender ages. That thin but deep scar under her eye that he used to caress and put cream on it... Her lips were red, like blood and he longed to be able to touch them again, to kiss them, to feel her. 

“After my grandma’s death I took a break from work, traveled a bit around the world...” She took a long drag, “I inherited a good bunch of money and some empty plots there and there.”

“That’s nice.”

He didn’t know what to say, his breaths were getting shorter and shorter, maybe it was panic for seeing her when he thought it was impossible.

“She was a real piece of work but I loved her.” She shrugged nonchalantly, sniffed to hold back tears and took another puff. “I went back home too. Saw Eren, Grisha and Carla... Armin too. Well everybody in fact.” She looked at him, “Well, almost everybody.”

He looked at his feet, uneasy. “They didn’t told me anything.”

“Yeah... I asked them to not say anything.” She sounded so melancholic, as if she was fed up with life itself. “I didn’t think they would actually keep the promise tho’. Connie and Sasha were never great with secrets to begin with.”

“Ahah, yeah.” He softly chuckled, floods of memories coming back right to him, “Remember in sophomore ? When we organized that prank to Miss. Zoë ?”

She grinned, immediately knowing what he was talking about. “The best prank we did. Too bad these two idiots were too busy laughing with madmen and nearly made us expelled.”

“I still think of it sometime, ah !” 

They both smiled in reminiscence but slowly it faded away, as everything that happened next went to their mind. 

“Mikasa...” Said Jean, passing his hand through his hair to flatten them good. “I got to tell you...” 

She looked at him, ending her cigarette in one drag, and waited. He looked so nervous and flustered. She stubbed out the cig under her heel and said ; “Whatever it is, I’m ready to hear it.”

“I... The party...” Her heart failed a beat, she definitely wasn’t ready, “The reason I did what I did and humiliated you...” It was so difficult to say, but he had to come clean. “I learnt recently why I cried like that.”

She took another cigarette nervously and shaking, goosebumps all over her arms. “Yeah. You thought I was leaving you.” One of the worst night she ever had. 

“I thought you were leaving cuz you learnt I had cheated on you.” 

She stopped in action, the small spark of her lighter enlightening her face, just in front of her cig’. “I knew.” She said, after she lighted up the tab and took a drag.

“Wha- What ?”

“Yeah.” He was so confused and lost, how could this be possible ? How had she knew !? “I don’t think you remember, you were pretty much smashed, but you left a voicemail message. You were crying and all, voice broke and shit and you confessed to me.”

“Fuck... I’m such a fuckin-“

“It’s fine.” She offered him once again a cigarette and that time he accepted. She stood up, and lighted it herself, so close to him she could smell his perfume and his respiration against her skin. “I wasn’t mad at you.” She stepped back, still maintaining eye contact with him. 

Both were trembling. 

“You weren’t mad ? But I just... I cheated on you for weeks ?” He took a long drag and exhaled immediately, stamping his feet like a crackhead in need.

For only answer she took out her phone of her small purse, searched barely a second and put on an audio. It was the above named voicemail he had left, they both listened to it religiously and Jean couldn’t but crack a tear. This was so utterly pathetic and ridiculous, he hated how he sounded... he hated it. He hated he let himself fall down so low he said these things to Mikasa, she who never judged him and always was the most compassionate and loyal women he met. 

“I immediately called Marco, I was crying like I never cried before, got a shit ton of panic attacks that night, and begged him to take you to the ER so you could get a psy evaluation.”

He sat down on a sill of the wall, overwhelmed by what he had just heard. “I don’t even... Remember...” 

“I broke you...” She was so desperately trying to hold back tears, if anyone saw them crying like this in some dark corner they could get wrong ideas and she didn’t wanted Jean to lose Maria too. “I fucking broke you and I was never mad at you, but at myself for letting it happen.” 

“No...” He weakly protested, still assimilating the audio. “I broke myself.” 

“I had you warped around my little finger,” she showed it as if she still had the mark and took a puff, her eyes shining of tears “You would have done anything for me. You put me on the highest pedestal imaginable and when I realized it there was no way it could’ve ended well.”

“It’s not your fault.” 

“I fucked up so bad,” she paused, “you fucked up too of course. But I was the one who let it happen and I still feel guilty for it.” She had a bitter laugh and added, “A fucking Icarus story right there, lads and gents, and I don’t want it to happen ever again.”

“Is that why you stayed silent and then changed phone number ?”

“Of course. I couldn’t take another hit like that one. I had the old hag to take care of, a job and none my friends were there. You got them.” She thought of Sasha, of Marco, of Thomas and Mina, of Armin, Eren, Historia, Ymir and of Connie, Berthold, Annie or Reiner and how only three of them sent a mail from time to time. “I had a shitty wifi coverage and a racist sick grandmother.” She sniffed loudly and taped with the tip of her fingers against the corner of her eyes, to dry those rogue tears out. “If I had fall down I would have never been able to get back up. And god know how much I wanted to lay down and just give up.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine.... Well, it’s fine now.” She weakly smiled at him but he couldn’t replicate, that was so heartbreaking. “Look at us now. All grown up, steady life and steady jobs. Boyfriends and girlfriends... Who thought, uh ?”

“They good to you, those boyfriends ?”

There was no jealousy in his tone, just pure and genuine care. She deserved someone nice, someone who won’t ever leave that kind of voicemail on her phone.

“They’re boyfriends.” She threw the butt of the cigarette and stomped on it again. “They don’t really matter but at least I’m not alone.”

“I feel that...”

“You’re engaged, Jean. You shouldn’t feel that.”

He looked at her and she saw all the pain and misery there was to read and immediately understood. “You’re marrying your rebound cause you’re too scared to never find someone else ?”

“I still love you.”

It hurts so much, so so much.

“I still love you too but you can’t do that to her.” She scoffed, “To say I’m defending the woman who fucked my man, what even is life anyways...” 

“I can do it though. I’m not married yet. You’re not married either.”

She gave him a look heavy of menaces, “You better shut up.”

“Why ?” 

“What would you even do ? Let’s say we run away together ? You stop working for your company ? You go live to Japan with me ? Or we stay there with all the friend you have and see Maria on a daily basis ? So I quit my job ?”

“I don’t know... I didn’t think this through but-”

“But what ? Are you out of your mind ?”

He looked so defeated and destroyed she wanted to hug him and accept this crazy proposition...

“I just think... You’re not happy, I’m not so much too. We could try again. Make it work that time.”

“And what if it ends again like last time ? You go back to Maria ? She helps you again while I mourn on some volcanic rocky country alone and then we try again ? Every decade we fuck shits up ?”

_ Why must I be so harsh... I want to try again too. I want him. Why am I so bitter and mean like that ?  _

“It’s stupid. I know.” He sighted, “I just want you back. You can’t imagine how I miss you.”

“I miss you too idiot, but I also know we can’t do it.”

They stayed silent and looked at the party happening barely meters away from them, Berthold was giving his life out on the dance floor. They were all so happy, and loud and joyful... Why was it easier for them ? Had they all something Jean and Mikasa hadn’t ? A hint of how to play the game ? Or maybe it was just them who were born fucked up... 

I mean, witnessing both your biological parents getting brutally murdered at age nine and seeing your father beats up your mother for years before killing himself in a car crash sure didn’t left any open wounds or mental issues... 

“Can you hold my hand ?” She asked weakly, scared of something she couldn’t explain. Maybe it was a feeling, the sensation they were going to get stuck to each other again and burn out to death this time.

He took her hand slowly and carefully, she was so cold and small, and hold onto it like his life depended on it. 

“Do you feel scared sometime...” He mumbled down, unsure. “That... That your life isn’t yours ?”

“As if you were just living through the days... Not controlling your own body.”

“Like a puppet.” 

She turned toward him, they were close. So close... She could feel his breath against her skin, his warmth. She wanted it as bad as him, she knew it, she could feel his eyes on her back, on her lips, on her chest... If this was so immoral, why was it the only thing she truly felt was right ? “Kiss me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They know they can’t, they know it would mean betraying friends and his fiancée but they just can’t help it.


	36. Odors and memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling good for the first time in years.

She smelled of cigarettes and wine, a long gone scent of mint and lemon that reminded him of a perfume he gifted to her years ago.

He smelled like summer, warm and comforting. Tears rolled down her cheeks, as she remembered these pleasant old days.

“You’re crying...” 

She buried her face in his neck, a hand clenching harder on his back while the other was against the wall, “Keep on going, please”. 

And he obeyed, holding her tighter against the wall, one hand holding her thigh while the other played with her breast, thrusting further, coming  _ back _ to life through her muffled moans. 


	37. Keeping on the lies

“We shouldn’t see each other ever again.” Mikasa murmured putting back her heels, not even even agreeing with herself. He gave her a pained glance and, asking himself if he should fight back, beg her to stay, but it sounded awfully close to how things last ended. 

“It’s for the better, isn’t ?” Jean could only hope it was for the better, or else he’d feel hollow and have nothing else in return. He buckled up his belt, a subtle look of guilt in his eyes. 

“Get married, get a kid...” She wasn’t looking at him. “I know you always wanted kids.”

“You want kids too.”

“Go find your woman, I’m sure she’s searching all over for you.” Her voice was flat, empty of any emotions. “I’ll throw out the condom.” 

Barely hearing her, he muttered while still holding her ass between his hands; “You’re beautiful...” He kissed her softly on it. 

She chuckled, pushed him away and put back correctly her dress. Hopefully nobody had noticed both their absence. 

He paused, looking at her disheveled hairs and smudged lipstick one last time before walking across the room, they had moved from outside to one of the castle’s unused room, and left. 

He quickly walked to the closest bathroom, seeing Thomas passed out in one of the corridor, and put cold water on his face, to snap out of it before going back. He searched for any trace of lipstick or makeup and cleaned if necessary. This was no event to get caught. 

Everything seemed fine and correct, he gave himself a last look out, sleeked his hairs on last time and headed out. The castle wasn’t small at all, they all had dinner in the front courtyard then moved to one of the side glasshouse-looking room for dancing. All the bathrooms, utilities room and empty banquet hall were on the other side and accessible through a very long corridor. Jean, from inside that one corridor, saw Mikasa walking through the courtyard, waving at Armin and Eren who were drinking with some others people. She was all clean and dressed up again, no one could suspect that they had just fucked like two savage beasts minutes ago.

“ _ What I did was bad... _ ” he thought, clenching his fist, “ _ I didn’t even think of Maria since the dinner... I’m a real asshole, uh _ .”

The music was louder and louder as he walked toward the party but half through, he saw his fiancée, leaning against the wall, one shoe off while the other was in one of her hand. 

“Jean !! Whe- Where were where.. Where were you !?” She shouted at his sight, a huge smile of relief on her face, her hands were shaking, so was her elocution, barely holding an empty glass of wine from the tip of her fingers. “I searched for YOU everywhere !!”

“I was helping Thomas. He passed out.” She stumbled toward him and as she nearly fall down he caught her. Jean cupped her hand between his hands, pushing away her hairs from her eyes and let out a sigh, “You’re so drunk, babe...”

She let him help her to stand up, then, smelling a strange perfume of cigarette on him she asked, “You smoke now ?”

“Only one.” 

He helped her walk toward a bathroom, nervous that she might vomit or something. They passed in front of Thomas, who was still on the ground and she couldn’t but let out a chuckle at the sight, “You helped him by letting him on a corridor ?” 

“There isn’t any real bed or couch inside and I wasn’t going to put him to sleep into Sasha’s dress room.” He gave him a quick glance before adding, “And we’ve seen him in worse states, let’s not lie.”

“Sasha looked for you, I think you should go see her...”

“I’m helping you first.”

She looked down, so many questions on the tip of her tongue. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maria :((


	38. Hypocrisy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re aware of how you hurt people, yet you keep on telling yourself you’re the victim. Oh ? You’re gonna work on it ? Is it words or an actual promise that time ?

The bathroom was pretty fancy, old tiny black and white tiles, golden wallpaper with white moulding. The mirror was so huge he couldn’t but look at themselves through it and see how sad this was... 

“There is a couch here,” She pushed him away and staggered toward a velvet red booth seat standing between the men and women’s doors, but he immediately grabbed her by the hips, as she almost fallen. Again. “You can let me go, Jean... I’m fine.”

He rolled his eyes up and carried her to the seat. “You’re so drunk right now, babe.” Jean squatted down before her and started to took off her shoe from her small hand and then his feet. She loved that pair of high heels he bought her for her last birthday. Touching her skin felt strange. “Are they all drunk at the party too ?”

“I think so... There was like... So many...” She searched her words but couldn’t come to find any. Speaking was so hard right now, she just wanted to lean against the wall and sleep until she died. 

“I see...” He took off her bag from her shoulder and put it next to her, then used her glass to pour water in it. “Drink.” She gave him a bad look. “You must be so dehydrated right now.”

“I’m now- I’m not that drunk.”

“How many drink had you ?”

She scoffed, “Not so many !!”

Jean sat next to her silently, and put the glass directly into her hands and helped her to empty it in one gulp. “There. Not so hard, is it ?”

“You little shit.” She weakly smiled, a veil of sadness in her eyes he couldn’t but see. "How come you’re not drunk ? I really thought you’ll be the first on the floor."

“It’s been a long time since I was that drunk.”

She had to concede. 

Both stayed silent, leaning onto each other, her head against his shoulder, his against her head. She liked the quietness, it was soothing, but she had a lump in her throat that wasn’t going away, no matter how many bottles she emptied... The more she thought of it, the more her eyes shined, humid. 

She waited for him to move, to go away so she could just cry her heart out without having to respond for it but if she weren’t seeing him fidget the glass she could have sworn he was asleep. No sound, a weak respiration, not even moving. 

“Mikasa’s classy.” She finally said as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “She’s very beautiful.”

“What’s gotten into you ?” 

“I’m just sayin’...” She rubbed her eyes, drying all these tears. “Are you even happy ?”

He leaned his head against the wall and looked at the ceiling. “I’m trying to be. It’s hard but I’m trying.”

“You shouldn’t be trying...”

“It’s hard cause I still feel like shit, it’s hard cause I feel like I’m hollow...”

“Like a puppet ?” 

He nodded, “It’s hard cause every time I look at my own mother I see my father.” Maria’s heart clenched, “It’s hard cause I feel like I did to both Mikasa and you what he did to her and I...” 

“Jean, you didn’t...”

“I know that.” He shrugged, a empty and blank cloud inside his mind. He was just talking what he felt on the moment, talking of things he never really thought of. “But it’s still hard. And I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to hold myself accountable for my mistakes and actions.”

_“ Is that why you went to talk to her ? ”_ She almost asked.

“I’ll try to become a good man, a good husband and a good father. Someone’s present and trustworthy.” She hold on to his hand, feeling something she couldn’t describe but that warmed her heart. “I’ll genuinely try my best.”

“I love you.” 

He kissed her on the forefront and let her fall asleep on him, ready to pick her up and carry her to their car. He could drive for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He only love one woman and she’s not named Maria. He will run to her if she even breathed his name.


	39. Invitation card

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Golden embossing or not ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was suppposed to be 39 chapters but then the last chapter was just so much I split it in like ten more chapter lol :’^)
> 
> Anyways, enjoy !

Jean looked at the laminated piece of paper a strange feeling in him. What was it ? He couldn’t even describe what he was feeling, this whole month felt surreal, like an out of body experience. He rubbed the paper, feeling the embossing of their names on it. Jean Kirschtein. Maria O’Doherty. Maria Kirschtein... Was it even his name ? He couldn’t even tell anymore. It didn’t felt right no matter how he pronounced it

“So, are these alright ?” Asked the wedding planner enthusiastically, her eyes were shining as if it was her own wedding she was organizing. 

“I love it !” Exclaimed Maria, happy but still less enthusiast as the other. “But,” she pointed with her finger the date and added ; “I think we should emboss it too and maybe match the gold color of the names with this ?”

The wedding planner tried her best to keep her smile but couldn’t hold a nervous chuckle, “Maria, it’s the seventh time we go over this. We need to chose or else it’s going to push back the wedding...”

“I know, but I just feel like it could add a bit more if it’s golden ?”

The lady turned to Jean, desperately trying to find some help, “And you Jean, what do you think of Maria’s idea ?”

Two month ago he would have said nothing, maybe just shrug, but he was trying to be better and more implicated in  their life. And it started by giving a honest opinion. “ I think it’s fine like it is.” He put the card on the desk, “It would otherwise be too clashing with the names and end up confusing.”

Maria pouted but eventually gave in.

“Then it’s all good !” She made a little dance with her arm, not moving from her chair, to show her excitement, “I’m sending them all then !”

Jean felt uneasy, scared even. He can’t back down. He’s engaged, in barely two weeks he’s married ! A part of him was shouting to run away, to stop this lie and to just accept that loneliness wasn’t the worst thing he could experience, but the other part was promising him that he’ll never feel doubt and fear after he finally put the ring on. 

He knew one of them was false, of course. He knew.

“If everything is fine then I’ll go,” Jean said while standing up, Maria smiled at him and wished him a good day, “Thank you very much again, you’re really making of our marriage the most beautiful one.”

The lady smiled and hide behind her hand a soft laugh, “It’s nothing really !”

“It’s a lot.” He waved and then left. Maria looked at him walk out and close the door, a He had an important rendez-vous and she was relieved and happy for him. Therapy was long and hard but needed, Jean had promised he will be better and do was trying to hold up to his promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never manage to lay out before hand a specific number of chapters,,, like,,,, a started a jeankasa webcomic supposed to be like 10 pages long and now it’s a 45 long chapters thingy with an actual plot And way more pages on the go fml


	40. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean talk and lay out his feelings and what he must do.

“I should call it off.” He said, taping his fingers against the armchairs. “But I just... I just... I just can’t find the right words.” 

“The marriage is getting closer and closer, Jean.” 

He leaned in his seat and looked at the ceiling. He sighted, a heavy weigh on his chest, “I know that.” 

“We already talked of this, you need to speak up more and tell her the truth.”

“It’ll hurt her.” He closed his eyes and rubbed his hands through his hairs, “It’ll destroy her.”

“But she will still be able to move on and heal after it.“

“Last time someone made that decision for me, it ended up badly.” He leaned in and put back his arms on the armchairs and crossed them, “What if she ends up like I did ? Despite everything she’s important to me and I don’t want this for her.”

“This a decision only you can make ultimately but it’s vital to  make it.”

“That’s easy to say for you.”

The session ended up, Jean paid cash and left, so many questions in his head. He knew what was right, but doing it was hard. As much as he loved Maria and all she had done for him, sticking her into some loveless and bitter marriage was the worst thing he could ever do to her ! 


	41. And the world crumble down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck this shit I’m out

_ “ You’re an amazing woman but I don’t think this gonna work out like you wish. ” No, “ You’re a wonderful woman but you know I’m not the one for you. ” That’s bad too... “ You’re a wonderful woman but I know I’ll never provide to you what you want and need... Fuck this _ _.”_

He kept on walking thinking about how he’ll announce it to her. The streets were busy at this hour of the day so he walked between the road and the sidewalk, up and down if he needed to dodge someone or a car. 

He was at a crosswalk, waiting for it to turn green, when his phone vibrated. 

Maria .

“Jean.” She said, tremors in her voice that immediately worried the man.

“Is everything alright ?” All his body tightened. 

“I think I’m pregnant.” 

Everything seemed to crumble drown around him. He couldn’t hear anything else but her trembling breath, nor see anything. The streets, the cars, the people, all had vanished and turned into a black masse of utter, gut wrenching silence. He wasn’t even breathing anymore, all his body seemed to be stuck and immobile. 

“What ?” He finally mumbled, eyes wide open. 

“I need you to buy a pregnancy test.” This couldn’t be happening. Not now. Not ever. “Please come home fast, we need to talk.”

“Yea- Yeah.” She ended the call, and he saw the world again. 

_ I can’t move. This is... This is not happening. I need to call someone- Mikasa ! _

“No.” He reasoned aloud. “This would be the worst thing to do.”

Jean immediately looked up on his phone the nearest pharmacy and run, like he never run. To hell traffic light and priority, he ran through the traffic, pushed people and didn’t even excused himself. All he could see was his life being flushed down the toilet, stuck to a woman he didn’t loved, and who knew it deep down, with a child they don’t want and that will understand it, all he could see was the bitter and petty old fuck he and Maria will become. He saw Mikasa disappearing before his eyes with only her dress left in his hands as memories. 

Panting like a mad dog he arrived to the clerk and asked for the most efficient test they had. 

“Waiting for good news, uh ?” Smiled the man, typing in the price. 

“No.” He paid and left as fast as he came in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jean would be a great father but not if he don’t even live their mother, ya feel me ? A child is much responsibilities he could never, especially with ‘Maria’ or anyone else as his ‘true love’


	42. No time for talking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety

Maria was waiting for him in the living room, sitting straight right on the couch, hand on her laps like a fourth grader at picture day. “You’re here !” 

“There !” He almost threw the test at her face. 


	43. Hopes and let down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad new ? good new ?

Jean could have never imagined it could be this long to know if your life was definitely fucked up. He waited in silence, sitting in front of her, elbows on his knees, hands under his chin. What was striking him the most was that she didn’t seemed particularly stressed out, worse, she was glowing. A smile on her face, gaze lost in a future he thought as hellish. 

“What do you think of Sophia ?” She said, her eyes shining, like she was in front on the verge of realizing her dearest dream. He pressed his lips together so he wouldn’t drop a loud ‘ _what the fuck’_. “Or Ryan ? Marco is officiating the ceremony, you can gave me a Irish name at least, ahah.”

“We don’t know yet.” He said through a tensed up jaw. She couldn’t be serious. 

The corner of her eyes crinkled as she smiled even wider. “But just imagine ! A little kid running around, messing around and calling us mom and dad !”

“We don’t know yet, Maria.”

She scoffed, a bit taken aback by his lack of enthusiasm. “I’m waiting same as you, honey ! I’m just saying that it would nice, isn’t ?”

“You really want a child ?” His face was unreadable, his expressions dulled as he tried his best to suppress any twitch or mannerism that could gave him in. “It’s a lot of responsibility.”

“Yes !!” Her whole face lightened up and it hurts him even more. Why was he such a horrible man to her ? Why couldn’t he love her as much as she loved him ? Everything could be so simple if he could only forget Mikasa. “I want a mini-us ! I want a tiny human calling me mum, throwing tantrums, telling us he love us ! Together we’d spent weekends, you’ll walk them to school, teach them how to draw or paint.” 

The more she described their potential kid the more he felt like it was the right thing to call the wedding off. He was unable to see things the same as her, and it felt like he would never see them like that. Or at least with her. But if there do was a child, if she do was pregnant then he’d assume and stay. It would be a bitter ending for him, and for Maria too, but he wouldn’t run away. 

“ _ She wouldn’t accept an abortion. _ ” He thought to himself, watching her speak about that potential future kid with such a bright smile and hopes. “ _ So it’s really ending like that, uh... _ ” 

He leaned in his head into his hands and rubbed his face, having a particular hard time. He felt empty and erased out, his shoulders fall down barely able to hold on his head and all of  _ this _ anymore. 

“Jean !!” She screamed in the highest pitched voice he ever heard from her. She started to jump all around the room, a huge smile on. Jean’s mind was somewhere else, unable to even breath correctly anymore. He only was able to lean back into the seat and look at her. His wife. 

“So ?” He asked in the most hollowed out voice, like a weak and brittle gush of wind.

“I don’t know yet !!” She was holding the test against her chest, too nervous to look at it. She really wanted that child ! She even wanted _children_ ! Three ! Or maybe four !!

“Look at it.” 

She hesitated, so nervous but eventually did. “I’m not pregnant.” 

As her smile disappeared and sadness overtook her features, Jean’s couldn’t feel more happy than he has been since he saw Mikasa again. He stood up, a cruel feeling of lightness and blessed relief in his heart and hugged Maria firmly against his chest as she started to cry. “It’s fine, honey.” He whispered. 

She only cried louder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m such an harsh bitch on Maria bruh ;w; tho, she really deserve better that actually love her lmaoo


	44. I’ll wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I swear I’ll do it.
> 
> And then he didn’t

For weeks he said to himself he was going to break up, for weeks he told Mikasa he was going to break up. “She just very emotional with everything that’s happening. I don’t want to hurt her too much” He said to her, dressing up. 

Mikasa, still on the hotel’s bed looked at him, her face as unreadable as usual. “I’ll wait.”


	45. Maria (reprise)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria’s inner thoughts and reminiscent of Sasha’s wedding

“Sasha asked me if Mikasa was invited...” Said Jean to his fiancée over dinner. “I said no of course b-“

“You can invite her. She and Eren.” 

“What ?”

“You don’t love her anymore ?” 

“Wha-“

“Then it’s done.” Jean was stunned, “She’s your ex but she’s also friend to all my friend, no matter what happened we have to move on and-“

“You sure of you on this ?”

“Yes.” 

_ I want to see her cry. I want her to watch me marry him.  _

“I don’t understand you, sometime.” He said, still confused beyond names, “But I’ll send them a card.”

Maria never hated Mikasa, not until Sasha’s wedding of course, where after she saw them walk out together she followed them and listened to their whole heartfelt discussion from behind a window above their head. It had been the worst thing to ever see and feel. 

_ “I still love you.” _

_ “I can do it though. I’m not married yet. You’re not married either.” _

_ “I just think... You’re not happy, I’m not so much too. We could try again. Make it work that time.” _

_ “A puppet.” _

She knew his words by heart, they’re on repeat in her every nightmares, and now more than ever she wanted revenge, wanted that woman to feel what she felt that night. How miserable and bitter it is to be the eternal looser, how heartbreaking it is to hear the man you love, the man you’re engaged to, that he doesn’t love you. 

Maria had kept her cool that night, she left and got smashed all alone when she heard them kissing and she never even wanted to know if they fucked, and now ? Now was time for revenge. 

Little did she knew she would eventually loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When she’s drunk in the bathroom, she actually use some of the words Jean and Mikasa used when they had Their Talk


	46. Text messages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa is pretty stunned and Eren’s speechless

\- Why did I just received an invitation for your wedding ??

\- Jean ?

\- Are you fucking kidding me ?? You told me you were calling it off like weeks ago ! and now I’m invited ????

\- Excuse but EREN got one too !!?? Is this a joke ffs ??

\- !!! I’m on it alright 

\- It’s just hard to break up with someone for which you care a lot, even if you don’t especially love her 

\- I’ll wait but this is fucked up and I hope you know it. 

(Read 9pm)


	47. Beginning of the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa can’t even find the right words anymore

Jean was sitting in his private room, shoes off, shirt open and the tie around his neck untied, he was looking at his feet, hand over his head. “ _ How can you fuck up that bad ? _ ” He bitterly thought to himself, barely holding himself together. “ _I’m actually going to get married_. ”

His head jerked off in surprise when he her ears someone knocking at his door, he started to panic, unable to confront anyone right now. It could be Marco, Maria, Maria’s parent, hell ! Even Armin, or Eren coming in to definitely kick his ass ! “Jean...”

Or it was much worse.

“En-Enter.”

When he saw her, dressed of a beautiful knee-length blue dress, his heart dropped. He stood up and walked to her but she stepped back, “Jean, I’m so confused right now.” 

“I’m sorry Mikasa, this situation got way out of hands.” He sat on the edge of a table and flattened his hairs against his head, “I really thought I could manage this but-“

“Do you love her ?”

“No !” He saw the pain in her eyes and he felt monstrous, unbeknownst to him but as monstrous as his lover felt when she had to break up with him, so many years ago. “I really love you, and only you... But things get messy and everyday wasn’t the day and now I’m mentally slapping myself.”

“You’re such a weird man.”

“I’m gonna fix this. I’m going to fucking stop being a little bitch and I’m going to man up.” He looked at her, at her beautiful face he could get lost in, and gave her the most reassuring smile he could, “I swear on our love, on what is making me live, on my mom’s head, that I’ll fix this. We’re leaving together.” 

She stayed silence, swallowed back words she would have immediately regretted and finally nodded. “I’m not afraid of waiting, you know ? I do really love you Jean. Sincerely, as much as you love me and maybe even more... But this is fucked up. Breaking it off a week ago would have made way less damage than ditching her at the altar.”

She opened the door, an heavy weight on her chest. All her body was hurting her, she who used to control herself, to know herself by heart, to make men and women kneel down before he strength couldn’t but shake in fear. Jean was the love of her life, she wanted to die with him and as much as it scared her it also inspired her ! Life is short, one day you’re spending your afternoon with both your parents, the the next you’re identifying them in a morgue... And for that she knew that it was vital to care and to love. Jean was such an enigma sometime, so easy to read and yet he could still invite her to his wedding.

“Mikasa...” 

She stopped, “Can you send me Marco, please ?” He sounded serious, as she rarely saw him. 

“Sure.”

She was walking toward the principal nave where the ceremony was soon to get started, all her friends where there, themselves confused about how Mikasa, out of all people, was also there. She quickly found Marco who was talking with Reiner, Berthold and Annie, looking pretty stressed out to be fair, and in hushed tones got his attention. “The groom is asking for you.” 

“You- You were with him ?” His eyes widened in fear of what could have happened, “Ah- Uh- Sure !” He apologized to the trio and power walked to Jean. Mikasa followed him back. “You should stay there, the ceremony is going to start very soon.” He told her, but she shrugged, one of her unreadable face stuck on her. 

“I’m heading at the parking.” In front of his perplexed face she added, “To smoke.”

“Didn’t you stopped smoking three weeks ago though ?”

“Then I’m just taking a break out. What do you want from me, Marco ?”

He didn’t added anything but paused when she opened the front door, his heart clenched weakly when he saw Eren sitting on the hood of his car, waiting for his sister. “ _She’s leaving then..._ ? ” He rubbed his face, forcing himself to be indifferent to that way over-complex love story of their and entered Jean’s room. 

“Marco, I need you to do something.”

The man was anxious. “The ceremony start in barely twenty minutes !! Are you out of your goddamn mind !?” 

“Shut up and listen to me !” His best friend immediately stopped talking, “You absolutely have to bring to me Maria.”

“Why !?”

“Just do it, I beg of you.” Jean genuinely looked in despair and it hurt Marco.

“If it’s about Mikasa, she just left you know-“

“She did !?” He shook his head and immediately flattened back his hairs back, “It’s- it’s fine. I still need Maria to come here and I wasn’t going to send in Mikasa and she would have never listened to me via text. If it’s you she’ll know it’s urgent.”

“You’re scaring me Jean, what are you preparing ?”

“Just do it, in old time’s sake.”

Marco sighted and left, leaving Jean alone once again. It was terrorizing, he really was going to do it, uh. But this was the only good thing to do.


	48. Feelings and finals words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean finally speak with Maria. It’s painful but needed. Tears rise from both side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seven years flushed down the toilet, but it’s for the better. It can only be for the better.

When she arrived, all preppy and pretty in her long white dress, laced up and with her gown on he couldn’t but drop a soft smile. She do was pretty. She do was amazing and smart... But they weren’t made for each other. 

“Jean, are you alright ?” She asked, anxious. At their friend tones she had imagined his fiancé had a panic attack or worse, “You’re not even dressed up yet !?”

“Maria come in we need to talk.”

“Can’t we do that after the wedding though, my mother nearly threw a fit when Marco told me to come.” Her voice was weak, and she couldn’t but fidget the pendant of her necklace.

“No, just come in and sit with me. I pushed this far too back and I have to now assume my mistakes.”

Silently she came to him and sat on the brown sofa, soreness in her throat. Deep down she knew what this meant, byt she didn’t wanted it to be actually happening. Seven years she thought he was going to do it ! For seven years she had been ready to see him leave but this was their wedding !? 

“You promised...” She started, her shoulders dropped. “You promised so many times I was the only one and you even got me to believe you.”

He took a long breath in and took her hands in his, forcing her to face him. 

“You’re a wonderful woman,” she scoffed, “You’re a wonderful woman and you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve to worry about me as if I was a child, and you shouldn’t have to fear I might fall back into depression, into that feeling of hollowness that got nothing to do with you... You shouldn’t think it’s ok for you to endure my shifts of mood and call it love...”

“But-“ Her voice was breaking down, he could even hear her tears in it. 

“Maria...” He knew better, he needed to pull the band aid off before they both ended up crying. “Listen to me,” he added when she started to push him away, “ you can’t live like this ! I can’t live like this either !”

“This is fucking cruel, you bastard !” Tears were running her face, creating long trace of black mascara on her cheeks. “You made believe you loved me ! You told me you were going to love me ! You told you were going to be better !!” 

He tightened up his grip on her and pulled her toward him, hugging her firmly against him. She vaguely tried to resist, hitting him weakly with her little fist against his chest. “I know this Maria, I know I fucked up everything ! I know I was a fucking monster to you !” He could feel her tears on his shirts, he could feel her throbbing heart against his, “I failed. There is no mistaking, I suck shit and I hurt you. I wish i could go back and stop myself but this is impossible...” His own voice was shaking, his eyes wet, “All I can do now is call it off before my errors become unfixable.”

She kept on hitting him, crying out loud, asking him to stop talking. “Fuck you, fuck this... Fuck everything ! I hate you... I fucking hate you and your goddamn words ! Errors ?” She raised her head and looked at him in the eyes, not giving a shit about the pain in it, “You’re telling me I’m a fucking error !? Who the fuck are you to say this to me ?”

“Maria-“

“Shut up and listen, you asshole.” He rubbed his hand on her back, to appease her, “I fucking scrapped you off the goddam ground after your Japanese princess there dumped you, I was the one to fucking take care of you ! She wasn’t there, she don’t know what it was like to see you spent your days half-alive and completely drunk !”  His heart clenched, “How can you do this to  me !? The only one who helped you !?”

She hit harder and harder, desperately trying to get ouf of his grasp but that bastard was damned strong despite everything. He didn’t even flinched at the beating, holding up as best as he could.

“But do you really want this !?” He exclaimed back, pain breaking his voice down and up, “Is that what you want ? Someone to fix !?”

“I fucking want you !”

“But you can’t !” She gasped in pain and crumbled down onto herself, trying to swipe away her tears. 

“I trusted you... I loved you...”

“You’re a part of me but you know we can’t keep this up. You know I could never give you what you want and deserve.” He took her hand but she immediately jerked away, “When you thought you were pregnant I hoped you weren’t, I  prayed that you weren’t ! I’m not even religious and yet I was ready to run back to the synagogue if it meant not having a child... When I looked at you, getting more and more excited as we waited for the results, i couldn’t but thought I was going to _die_. I couldn’t breath, move... Barely able to _talk_ !” She looked at him, all her makeup ruined and her lipstick smudged.

“Jean...”

“And then your heart broke, you were destroyed but I could only feel relieve and joy, Maria... You can’t phantom how _happy_ I was.” He swiped away a tear on her cheek. “You don’t deserve to marry someone who will never love you half as much as you love them.”

“You damned bastard.... You _asshole_...” She sniffed, and wiped her runny nose with the back of her hand, “You’re really the worst.”

For what seemed to be hours they stayed still, until she definitely stopped crying. “What am I going to do now ?” She muttered, her lips still trembling, “I’m going to the altar and announce to _everybody_ you chickened out ?” 

“I’ll do it.” She gave him a perplexed look. “I‘ll walk to the altar and wait for you but you never come.”

“You’d do that ?”

“it’s my fault, I’m ready to be the one humiliated and pitied. it’s the least I can do after seven year of hell and pathetic self-centered sob parties in my bed. You will say whatever you want about me, I’ll just accept it.” He weakly smiled, “Run wherever you want, you don’t have a child at charge anymore.”

“I’ll say you had a small dick.” She sour laughed, he winced but accepted it. “It’s a joke, don’t worry. Already told all my friend why I nicknamed you the horse.”

He choked and at the sight of his red and horrified face she genuinely had a small laugh out of it. 

“Do you want any help ?” He asked after silence came back, “With anything ? A Uber ? I can ask Marco to-“

“I’ll find out.” She said, “Probably tell my mother I realized something... I’ll improvise something. I guess.” 

Difficultly he stood up and finished to dress himself up. Maria looked at him one last time put on his shoes, tied up his tie and slip on his vest and jacket. “Then I guess this is farewell.”

“Try to bitch a bit about me if they ever talk about me... It would be unrealistic to stay nice and polite to someone who stood you up at the altar, uh...” She flattened back her hair with one hand before adding, “but don’t be too mean. Like... Just say my cooking was the worst ever and call it a day, ahaha...” Her tone was flat dead. 

“I’d _never_ insult you.” 

She silently thanked him with a gentile nod of the head and watch him leave with an empty and distant gaze. “ _ What am I supposed to become now .” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t marry a rebound you never loved children


	49. Waiting for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter, Jean is finally free of his own devils, Maria is free from her and nothing will prevent him from being happy now.  
> He just got to stand up and assume. 
> 
> Maybe she’ll be there, maybe she won’t but at least the vicious circle is broken.

He walked down the aisle, everybody’s eyes on him, Reiner and Connie even cheered up, not knowing a damn thing. Jean waved back and placed himself in front of Marco who was going to officiate. 

“What’s happening, man ?” He whispered to him, so nervous his whole body was sweating as if he was standing under an heatwave in June. 

“It’s fine.” He answered back which a soft smile, which absolutely didn’t reassured the man. 

Then the wait started. 

Music had slowly but surely started to resonate through the nave, as a bell call in students, the melody was calling in the bride, everybody was waiting for her to arrive any moment soon with wide smiles and yet, minutes passed. Then ten, then twenty... More and more whispers could be heard, the bride’s family were running back and forth, all confused and unable to say what was happening. 

_ Thirty minutes. _

Some stood up and left without a word, bending forward to hide their face. 

Thirty five minutes, Jean was still standing straight, his mother horrified and crying on the first bench, getting comforted by Armin, but he still had a smile that anyone would have described as false confidence but was actual true relief and genuine happiness. A weight as heavy as earth had been lifted from his shoulders, for the time in years he felt truly free again. Not that it was Maria’s fault, but the thought of being single, of responding to no one, the thought he could virtually go anywhere right now was making him breath again... These years has been the most surreal and cruel out of body sensation he had, like he had finally stopped to be a puppet.

More than half the people had left, but he wasn’t even looking at them. It was just him, his smile and the bas-relief relief of the Christ’s birth. They had opted for a Christian wedding. The church sure was pretty.

Finally, after forty and six minutes, even his closest friends decided to leave.

“You sure you want to keep on waiting ?” Asked Connie, a hand on his shoulder. Sasha and Nikolo were just besides, ready to drive him anywhere if needed.

“It’s fine.” He answered. Sasha couldn’t but wipe at the words, she was getting more and more emotional for some reason... 

“Man, you’re brave.” He added, then behind Jean gave Marco a look of pure disbelief mixed with disgust and despair.  What is that ?? Marco could only shrug back with the same questions. 

“Buddy, I’m gonna see what’s happening. Don’t move, I’ll be back.” He walked down, rubbing his hands against his head. Why was his best friend always getting dumped in the worst ways possible ? “ _I fucking hope this doesn’t recreate that whole shitshow of seven year ago_. ” He thought bitter.

Had he walked down the aisle and not immediately ran toward the side door then maybe he’d have seen there one single person left, sitting on a bench... Dressed of a V cut blue dress, a pair of lagoon earrings accorded to her small purse, she looked at him with benevolence and love. 

Jean sighted, relieved to finally be alone and turned around to the bast nave, only to see her, sitting and waiting for him as she told she would. He was surprised, but finally he chuckled, a wide smile drawing itself in his face. 

She smiled back, so thrilled to see him again. “Jean.” She giggled, tears of joy rising to the corner of her eyes. 

“Mikasa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s over y’all ! The bathroom scene between him and MAria was supposed to be the real ending but I just,,, idk. 
> 
> Anyways, if you liked please tell me, leave a kudo and if you’re into that vibe bookmark it lol 
> 
> I’m happy to have this story off my heart now ! What a rollercoaster :’)


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